Hi friends.
I'm sorry it's been so long since I've written. Honestly, it because I'm trying to stay positive and don't want to immortalize this overwhelming sense of insecurity/unhappiness/stress/anxiety in this space, where I try to develop and grow. But I really need to vent and put it all on down in one place, and maybe that'll help me lay it to rest and move on.
1) Physical erosion. You all know I've had a terribly epic couple of years in the medical realm, and it's frankly only gotten worse. Since I moved home, I've started gaining weight (an average of 5 lbs a month), and I attribute it mainly to the fact that my caloric intake up north was less than 1000/day, and now it's around 1500/day. That level of change, along with the fact that I used to walk around a hospital all day and am now rotting in front of a computer doing LITTLE TO NOTHING with my brain instead has had a very detrimental effect. A few months ago, I went to the ER because I suspected ovarian torsion or another divertics flare. There had been persistent pain in my upper abdomen for 3 days and my OB/GYN gave me implicit instructions to go to the ER if I suspected my ovarian cysts for that long, because it could be my ovaries twisting (and dying). They didn't find anything, but after being dismissed for the umpeenth time by some retarded-glorified-medical-assistant PA, I spoke to a doctor, who said I met all the criteria for endometriosis. I'd never considered that as a possibility, and called my OB up north right away to get his opinion on it. After reviewing my chart, my extremely rare medical complication after surgery last July, and my symptoms, he believes I likely have stage 3/4 endometriosis. The main implication is infertility.
The infertility hit me a lot harder than I thought it would. I love Liam, and we've talked about marriage and kids; he has determined that he's the carrier of the genetic mutation that caused his daughter's developmental disability and doesn't want to have any more children for fear they'd also get it, and I agreed. I've never been one that desired a whole brood of children, and whenever I got baby fever, I'd go spend some time with my goddaughters or watch a mother try to go shopping at the grocery store with an infant or toddler and the urge would dissipate. Now, suddenly, it's made apparent that I'm never allowed to change my mind. Part of why I never stressed about children is because I'm only in my late 20s. If I wanted to suddenly have a mini me to call my own, I have up to another decade to make that plunge. And now I don't. That's gone. I mourn the loss of a choice more than anything, and the possibility of seeing my father's eyes looking back at me from someone I grew inside of me and loved so monumentally that it changed the center of gravity in my universe. I keep thinking about one of the world's "shortest stories" (which is attributed to Ernest Hemingway but shown in research he didn't actually write it): "For sale: baby shoes, never worn." I feel the need to honor this loss, and my friend Grace has offered to photograph me whenever I get the gumption to do it.
So, this endometriosis pain can hit me on some level sometimes three out of four weeks of the month. Then, 12 days ago on the morning of my birthday, I rolled my ankle in the parking lot of my job and slammed (I literally mean SLAMMED) into the asphalt. Messed up my already bad knee, jolted my arm and thus strained my back. Yadda yadda. My ankle gradually swelled throughout the day and by that afternoon it was twice it's normal size. I was worried it could be fractured, so I went to the worker's comp doctor and got some xrays. Nothing was broken, and we wrote it off to a strain. Naturally, my birthday dinner that I'd worked hard to plan was cancelled, and I didn't end up doing anything special for it. Another year passed without celebration (that's my only moment of self-pity, and is mainly mourned because last year I spent my birthday in the ER and wanted something GOOD this year). Then, a week later, I had a six-hour panic attack as soon as I got to work. I couldn't stop crying, and even though it was quiet and went mostly unnoticed, I'm so eternally thankful to my friend T for driving all the way down from the high desert to give me a xanax so I could make it through the day til I could go to my doctor that night. When I did, she wrote me a prescription for it and looked at my ankle. Immediately, she said that it was a ruptured peroneus brevis tendon in my foot and that I needed a MRI asap and would almost definitely require surgery. After doing tons of research on my own, it became apparent that there isn't any real conservative/non-surgical treatment for such a rupture and that, if the MRI confirmed her suspicion, I would definitely have to move forward with surgery if I ever wanted to feel secure on my foot again. My worker's comp MD tried to be a dismissive douche when I gave him her note two days later, but after watching me walk, he ordered me a stat MRI, fiberglass half cast, and immediate physical therapy. So here I am. Laid up, ankle elevated, constant pain, this ever-expanding and morphing bruise, and the inability to do things I enjoy. Like be at my booski's birthday in LA tonight that I'm missing because I don't feel safe driving that far with my foot swelling like it does.
2) School. I've applied to the MSN program at Azusa Pacific for their Inland Empire campus. It's more expensive than Cal State, but I'd be able to start earlier, get to avoid taking the TEAS test, and not have to travel to Fullerton/Long Beach/Northridge/Dominguez Hills. Just what I'd save in stress/time/wear on my car from commuting makes it worthwhile, but the fact that it's a great program, I'll get my BSN in the first 15 months and be able to start working as an RN as soon as I pass my boards, and can get an educator focus makes the whole thing extremely promising. After meeting with the Program Admissions Adviser, she gave me extremely high marks and has essentially guaranteed I'll be accepted, as soon as I finish the rest of my pre-reqs. Unfortunately, they're not accepting the Anatomy and Physiology I that I took up north because I and II have to be from the same school, so I have to retake I at Valley. They also (oddly) require Bio/Organic Chemistry, so I have to take that and a Behavioral Science Research class. They'll only consider me when I have the 12 units of science COMPLETED, so even though I applied in July to start next May, but it was delayed until November for September consideration, but now I'll have to put it off another quarter because the classes won't be done by November 1 and therefore can't be considered as completed. Classes start tomorrow, and I'm hoping I'll be able to be added to the Chem class I need. Who knows. Right now I can't stress too much about it, or I'm worried I'll have a breakdown.
3) Work. I really hate my job. I feel like it's rotting away my brain and job skills, but I like most of the people I work with, so I'm going to stay with it until I find something better. I got extensively jerked around by Riverside Community Hospital and, after their conduct, and am really happy I didn't get it. I've applied to two jobs for San Bernardino County that I hope I get called to test for, but if not, I'll be stable at my current placement until the end of the year. Once again, I can't stress too much about it. I have enough money coming in to pay my bills, and who knows what's going to happen if I need foot surgery.
So, yeah. Now I feel better. Ultimately, at the end of the day, I have really phenomenal people I can call to cry my eyes out or scream or whatever I need. I hold it in because I know that everyone has problems and I shouldn't be selfish about dumping my burdens on other people, including my boyfriend. But amazingly, during the time I spent writing this blog, I got an amazing message from my friend's boyfriend that I met once at her birthday a few months ago that said "You know what? You're a strong, positive person. That is very respectable." I got teary. And my foster dad told me to keep my chin up. And my love Kathleen told me how lucky they are to have my part of their lives. It's all of this remarkable and transcendentally perfect support that makes me get out of bed everyday and keep moving forward.
In a very real way, you all help me live everyday. And I'm so beyond grateful, that I'm trying to repay you by getting better and staying better.
I'm going to make it. Because I never retreat. And I never surrender, despite what life throws at me.
Stay strong, my loves.
