I hate liking boys, sometimes, especially when it explodes from like to full-blown crush status.
Because, really, I seriously like Cesar. As in, wish we were seriously dating. I have to catch myself from tilting up my face to kiss him when he hugs me goodbye because I'm so emotionally disposed to him.
But there are other guys that I'm interested in and, newsflash, actually interested in me! So here's the conundrum; even though it feels somehow wrong, and almost like cheating, should I go ahead and date these other guys because they're clearly into me, unlike Cesar? Hope for the best with them?
Because I wonder a few things. I make it sooo obvious, but what if Cesar is actually clueless to how I really feel about him and then later realizes it and I've already invested time and effort into a relationship with someone else? Would I ditch them for him? That's not fair to them. Should I even ethically try to get into a relationship with someone else when I'm so focused on him?
FML.
Please give me your opinions. I need advice.
Also, to allay the big question: Why don't I just TELL him? Because we work together, and I see him almost every day. If he flat out rejected me, I'd be burned but okay in a few days, but it's not fair to put him on the spot that way, and he could just pass off my flirting (like he has been) and continue to joke about it because he's not actually into me, and he's rather just keep it as an amicable working environment.
Fuck it, I'm just going to forget about him and move on.
But...BUT...damnit.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Bob Marley.
I had a revelation today, thanks to the wisdom of Bob Marley.
One of his famous quotes was the cause. Everybody's gonna hurt you, you just need to find the ones worth suffering for. The same applies to jobs. Every job sucks...let's be honest. Even when it's a career, no one is thrilled to go work a 9 hour job, come home, clean house, do other chores, pay bills, et cetera. You just tolerate said job better when it's worth suffering for. Unfortunately, the job I'm at ISN'T, and I'd be happy with a career-length lower pay if I could really stand behind what I was doing. Renting cars isn't that for me, thank god. Finances were really important to me when I took this job, and that was my bottom line, but it's started to shift as my moods have begun to change so dramatically. I don't want to be Jekyll/Hyde. I won't be, and especially not because of something I can so proactively change, like employment.
My company is amazing. My bosses are amazing. My co-workers are amazing. I'm just not built for sales.
I came home and swam today, and Corina was here. I've known her since she was in utero, and I love her so much. She's absolutely golden, and wants to watch Matilda with me right now.
I'm going to go do that.
One of his famous quotes was the cause. Everybody's gonna hurt you, you just need to find the ones worth suffering for. The same applies to jobs. Every job sucks...let's be honest. Even when it's a career, no one is thrilled to go work a 9 hour job, come home, clean house, do other chores, pay bills, et cetera. You just tolerate said job better when it's worth suffering for. Unfortunately, the job I'm at ISN'T, and I'd be happy with a career-length lower pay if I could really stand behind what I was doing. Renting cars isn't that for me, thank god. Finances were really important to me when I took this job, and that was my bottom line, but it's started to shift as my moods have begun to change so dramatically. I don't want to be Jekyll/Hyde. I won't be, and especially not because of something I can so proactively change, like employment.
My company is amazing. My bosses are amazing. My co-workers are amazing. I'm just not built for sales.
I came home and swam today, and Corina was here. I've known her since she was in utero, and I love her so much. She's absolutely golden, and wants to watch Matilda with me right now.
I'm going to go do that.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Alive.
I feel like I'm on the verge of something huge. At this job, getting a new job, life... who knows. But I have this quickening of my pulse, this deep adrenaline rush like I'm about to cliff dive into a vast opportunistic sea.
It's so nice to be hopeful again. And I know that a big part of that is having my family being so stable right now, in all of its classic instability. I met my sisters, and they're beautiful and smart and wonderful and knowing them at all has filled a very distinct gap I had that made me doubt the wisdom of the divine. I always understood that I was lucky enough to make new families, partially because mine isn't as functional as some, but I wondered what I had done in a past life to deserve never knowing my super cool siblings. Now I feel that things were just biding their time until it wouldn't just be known, but embraced, and above anything else, I feel embraced by them.
I was floating on a raft in the pool today, looking at the blue blue sky and my magnolia tree and Lucy sprawled on the pavement and I felt at peace. I'm going to a venue opening tonight with my friend Vic, I'll look adoringly at my crushy-poo, and I'll feel as alive as I do right now. It'll carry me into the next week, where I'll continue to thrive at work and in life.
I'm applying to Edison and sending my resume to a lady who works for an environmental design firm in the OC. Doors might be opening for me in places other than Enterprise, but I'm doing so good at where I am that if I need to stay, I can still do well here.
I've lost 170 pounds. I feel pretty amazing. I'm going to aggressively try to get rid of my medical debt and get plastic surgery as soon as my weight has stabilized, so I can look as amazing as I feel.
So happy. So thankful. So alive.
It's so nice to be hopeful again. And I know that a big part of that is having my family being so stable right now, in all of its classic instability. I met my sisters, and they're beautiful and smart and wonderful and knowing them at all has filled a very distinct gap I had that made me doubt the wisdom of the divine. I always understood that I was lucky enough to make new families, partially because mine isn't as functional as some, but I wondered what I had done in a past life to deserve never knowing my super cool siblings. Now I feel that things were just biding their time until it wouldn't just be known, but embraced, and above anything else, I feel embraced by them.
I was floating on a raft in the pool today, looking at the blue blue sky and my magnolia tree and Lucy sprawled on the pavement and I felt at peace. I'm going to a venue opening tonight with my friend Vic, I'll look adoringly at my crushy-poo, and I'll feel as alive as I do right now. It'll carry me into the next week, where I'll continue to thrive at work and in life.
I'm applying to Edison and sending my resume to a lady who works for an environmental design firm in the OC. Doors might be opening for me in places other than Enterprise, but I'm doing so good at where I am that if I need to stay, I can still do well here.
I've lost 170 pounds. I feel pretty amazing. I'm going to aggressively try to get rid of my medical debt and get plastic surgery as soon as my weight has stabilized, so I can look as amazing as I feel.
So happy. So thankful. So alive.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
What I want in life.
Having crushes on people has made me think more sincerely on what I want in a relationship. And it's so basic.
Down the street, a band is playing. I love you. Come, let us roam the night together. Singing.
It's one of Langston Hughes' famous lines, and wowza, does it hit me anew every time. The other basic standards that I wish a guy could have, like a job and shiz, drop into the gutter when I entertain that half of my heart.
If I felt that way, I'd let almost all the practical reasons go by the wayside. Give me a poet, or an artist, or someone starving and with a passion. I don't care. Just give me someone worthy of an intense love, and I'll give it wholeheartedly to them.
Maybe it's been too long since I've felt any passion...any reckless abandonment for another person. I need to feel a good crazy for someone, and wouldn't it be amazing if I could stand the sight of them in the morning?
Down the street, a band is playing. I love you. Come, let us roam the night together. Singing.
It's one of Langston Hughes' famous lines, and wowza, does it hit me anew every time. The other basic standards that I wish a guy could have, like a job and shiz, drop into the gutter when I entertain that half of my heart.
If I felt that way, I'd let almost all the practical reasons go by the wayside. Give me a poet, or an artist, or someone starving and with a passion. I don't care. Just give me someone worthy of an intense love, and I'll give it wholeheartedly to them.
Maybe it's been too long since I've felt any passion...any reckless abandonment for another person. I need to feel a good crazy for someone, and wouldn't it be amazing if I could stand the sight of them in the morning?
Sunday, July 25, 2010
full moon world tilt.
The moon is sitting fat and full and yellow outside my car window, and I can't help but think about how my dad has always called this moon MY moon. "Erin's moon was out last night, did you see?" he would say if he visited the next day. My mom's moon is the thin white sliver crescent, so much like a fingernail.
It's ironic, you see. There are certain truths of my life that have defined me in the way that histories tend to define parts of your foundation. My mother is my father's mistress. He has a wife and family that do not know I exist. I am a source of great guilt in his life, but he loves me anyway. These are the truths of my identity, and as of a few days ago, they've been altered.
My mother's existence became known of. My sisters called my cell today, I assume getting the number from phone records, hoping to contact my mother but reaching me instead.
They asked me things they needed to know and truth flowed from my mouth like water from a wellspring. I told them a lot about my parents, about how it hasn't been a novella-style sexy affair of an older man and younger woman. How it's been about love. How in my heart of hearts, my father sets an almost terrifying example of the man I hope to marry; he is the epitome of Corinthians. He is patient. He is kind. He does not envy, does not boast, is not proud, nor rude or self-seeking. He is not easily angered or keeps records of wrongs (God knows). He does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth, which is why keeping this one has made, I firmly believe, a third of his life one endlessly bittersweet agony for him.
He always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
My sisters broke my heart with the sweetness of their understanding. Only one spoke, and she said that she knows I'm her sister because even though she just learned of my existence (from me...10 minutes earlier), that she knew from my voice and my words that I was lovely and she knew she could love me as a sister. I'm so proud that I can call women of that caliber my own. I've known their stories almost as long as I've known mine, and to witness their grace and strength during such a personal upheaval is awe inspiring.
My story is so altered. How ironic that it happens a week after I started the first chapter of my book, which is all about my parents?
I hope I can have more of them in my life, even though just this small contact is more than I thought I'd ever have.
What a life. And I mean that in a good way.
It's ironic, you see. There are certain truths of my life that have defined me in the way that histories tend to define parts of your foundation. My mother is my father's mistress. He has a wife and family that do not know I exist. I am a source of great guilt in his life, but he loves me anyway. These are the truths of my identity, and as of a few days ago, they've been altered.
My mother's existence became known of. My sisters called my cell today, I assume getting the number from phone records, hoping to contact my mother but reaching me instead.
They asked me things they needed to know and truth flowed from my mouth like water from a wellspring. I told them a lot about my parents, about how it hasn't been a novella-style sexy affair of an older man and younger woman. How it's been about love. How in my heart of hearts, my father sets an almost terrifying example of the man I hope to marry; he is the epitome of Corinthians. He is patient. He is kind. He does not envy, does not boast, is not proud, nor rude or self-seeking. He is not easily angered or keeps records of wrongs (God knows). He does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth, which is why keeping this one has made, I firmly believe, a third of his life one endlessly bittersweet agony for him.
He always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
My sisters broke my heart with the sweetness of their understanding. Only one spoke, and she said that she knows I'm her sister because even though she just learned of my existence (from me...10 minutes earlier), that she knew from my voice and my words that I was lovely and she knew she could love me as a sister. I'm so proud that I can call women of that caliber my own. I've known their stories almost as long as I've known mine, and to witness their grace and strength during such a personal upheaval is awe inspiring.
My story is so altered. How ironic that it happens a week after I started the first chapter of my book, which is all about my parents?
I hope I can have more of them in my life, even though just this small contact is more than I thought I'd ever have.
What a life. And I mean that in a good way.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
I'm going to write a book!
So, I've been writing my entire life; as long as I can remember I've been putting words to paper to help me deal with emotions, present my self as stable, et cetera. Dear friends have told me I should write a book based on short stories or poetry they've read, but the thought of amassing enough of that kind of content into a book worth reading or creating a fictional novel with enough of a plot has been too daunting. Now, I realize what I was missing.
I didn't think I had enough life to warrant a memoir, but I realize that yes, I do. It won't be about me, though, per se. It will be about the people have shaped me throughout my life; the various families, individuals, dearest friends, who have shaped me to be who I am. Who have been the community raising this child.
I can see it so clearly, and I'm so excited. I just need to carve out the time to write it, and I feel like it will flow from my fingertips like the Nile during flooding. A Nile of love and devotion and gratitude.
I feel like my heart is giving one slow, lazy bump after months of being stilled. It's going to happen.
I love you. Give me your thoughts! <3
I didn't think I had enough life to warrant a memoir, but I realize that yes, I do. It won't be about me, though, per se. It will be about the people have shaped me throughout my life; the various families, individuals, dearest friends, who have shaped me to be who I am. Who have been the community raising this child.
I can see it so clearly, and I'm so excited. I just need to carve out the time to write it, and I feel like it will flow from my fingertips like the Nile during flooding. A Nile of love and devotion and gratitude.
I feel like my heart is giving one slow, lazy bump after months of being stilled. It's going to happen.
I love you. Give me your thoughts! <3
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Life as I know it.
So, friends, it's been a long time since I've posted anything. Maybe because I was overwhelmed with life flooding all over me, maybe because I was busy with finals and graduating, maybe because I didn't want to whine all over my blog more than I already had done. For whatever, I'm back.
I graduated college. Two Bachelor degrees, which is always nice. If I think positively, they were only 10K apiece. I started working for a great company a week after the school chapter ended, and while I won't say where it is, let me assure you that it is decent pay, very secure (unless I reeeeallly mess up), tons of hours, and benefits. That's all I wanted from work, really, so I'm a happy camper.
My personal life has been one long, stymied mess though. Thankfully I didn't get too wrapped up in my ex-partners crap, so when we ended, I wasn't demolished. But still, it hasn't been the most amazing of experiences, and while I'm happy being single, I'm also open to the possibility of someone better. I'm not going to let this recent bad experience mar my hopes about partnership.
I feel like this recent melee has helped me walk gracefully around a turning point that has been impassable for my adult life. For once, I never questioned my value as a person; I was only angry that he would choose someone we all know is a step down from me as his partner. But it's a remarkable thing, to be free of doubt. Of that particular brand of insecurity. And I know that, if I'm so inclined, I can find someone who will suit me better. I no longer have the I'm-in-a-relationship blinders on, and I can keep my eyes wide open.
I'll leave you with the lyrics to a great song and the recommendation that you listen to it!
Evolve, by Kevin Quinn.
If you wanna revolution the only solution
evolve gotta evolve
If you wanna revolution the only solution
evolve gotta evolve
if you gettin' off track and you wanna get back
it may take a lot of work won't break your back
If you wanna revolution the only solution
evolve gotta evolve
No matter what they do they can't break your stride
Revolution is a thing that starts inside
throw your hands up cuz you're frisked with pride
hold your head high no need to hide
EVO LVE come on get inside,
come on rock with me.
if you want a revolution the only solution, evolve (gotta evolve)
GOT TO EVOLVE! if you want a revolution, you got to evolve.
OHH BABY! if you wanna a revolution
the only solution, evolve
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xYgFjBDoHNA
I love you. Have a good weekend. I'm off to do laundry while it's still early and energy costs are low!
I graduated college. Two Bachelor degrees, which is always nice. If I think positively, they were only 10K apiece. I started working for a great company a week after the school chapter ended, and while I won't say where it is, let me assure you that it is decent pay, very secure (unless I reeeeallly mess up), tons of hours, and benefits. That's all I wanted from work, really, so I'm a happy camper.
My personal life has been one long, stymied mess though. Thankfully I didn't get too wrapped up in my ex-partners crap, so when we ended, I wasn't demolished. But still, it hasn't been the most amazing of experiences, and while I'm happy being single, I'm also open to the possibility of someone better. I'm not going to let this recent bad experience mar my hopes about partnership.
I feel like this recent melee has helped me walk gracefully around a turning point that has been impassable for my adult life. For once, I never questioned my value as a person; I was only angry that he would choose someone we all know is a step down from me as his partner. But it's a remarkable thing, to be free of doubt. Of that particular brand of insecurity. And I know that, if I'm so inclined, I can find someone who will suit me better. I no longer have the I'm-in-a-relationship blinders on, and I can keep my eyes wide open.
I'll leave you with the lyrics to a great song and the recommendation that you listen to it!
Evolve, by Kevin Quinn.
If you wanna revolution the only solution
evolve gotta evolve
If you wanna revolution the only solution
evolve gotta evolve
if you gettin' off track and you wanna get back
it may take a lot of work won't break your back
If you wanna revolution the only solution
evolve gotta evolve
No matter what they do they can't break your stride
Revolution is a thing that starts inside
throw your hands up cuz you're frisked with pride
hold your head high no need to hide
EVO LVE come on get inside,
come on rock with me.
if you want a revolution the only solution, evolve (gotta evolve)
GOT TO EVOLVE! if you want a revolution, you got to evolve.
OHH BABY! if you wanna a revolution
the only solution, evolve
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xYgFjBDoHNA
I love you. Have a good weekend. I'm off to do laundry while it's still early and energy costs are low!
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