The universe has been sending me a lot of signals about loneliness lately. There is a clear distinction between loneliness and aloneness, and my new life path is including a lot of aloneness and I’m thankful for it.
I’m thankful for it because I can sit alone in a room with myself and not hate or resent what I see. At the end of the day, you’re all you’ve got, and it would be a waste if you expelled energy on trying to change the past and couldn’t just accept who you are, your wants, and accepting whether you’ll pursue them or not.
Two people that I used to have relationships with are with new people. One of them is stereotypically him; he can’t be alone at all, which is why things between us had to end, and he has continued on the hunt to find someone to fill the parts of him that he hasn’t found yet. The other is someone I had very deep feelings for, and we’ve maintained communication as friends, but it’s pretense, because whenever I’m in his town he blows off hanging out with me and if we DO hang, it’s awkward and he ends up being rude in his eagerness to avoid me.
He was always lonely. He could never be alone with himself, but didn’t feel like he was worthwhile to be with anyone. So yes, I hope that now he feels worthwhile and that’s why he’s in one. My roommate is going through a divorce with his wife, a woman who can never be alone, and she has already sprung into another rebound relationship only months after leaving him. All of these people; so normal, so average, and they can’t bear to be solo.
I definitely miss intimacy, but my last few relationships have been so lacking that I don’t see the answer in another one unless I’m really confident they’re the right partner for me. The Naked and Famous say it best, in a lyric I can’t get out of my head:
The bittersweet between my teeth
trying to find the in-between
fall back in love eventually
yeah yeah yeah yeah.
Today, I woke up and made coffee and eggs for Brandon and I before he went to church and I wrote for a few hours. When he came back, we went to Pebble Beach and I was in rock hound heaven, picking up stones I want to tumble and make into jewelry. We walked the shore for a few hours, and my usually quiet friend talked a lot about how he’s been feeling, how he’s been dealing, what he hopes for. I tried to just listen, and let him know how supportive I am of him.
I walked around the city after they left for work. I found a house I would be able to buy for my own in my dreams. I feel hopes and plans budding in my chest, like Redwood roots twining down into my lungs. I breathe out wishes and optimisms and love.
I’m going to finish carving our pumpkin and make some dinner for my guys.
It's a golden life and I'm thankful for it.
I love you.
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