Hold on to what we are.

So, here's the thing: I've been really sad this weekend.

And as of this morning, my gut is in complete rebellion.

With my best friend Kathleen's words echoing in my head, "Work is gonna blow no matter where you are until you're doing a job you love. Hang in there babe," and my mother's quiet reassurances that I can deal with anything until I can't deal anymore and then come home, and Milla's proud speech at her bon voyage breakfast where I got to hug her one last time before she leaves for Africa about how she was so amazed and happy that I up and went on an adventure all by my lonesome have led me to one conclusion:

My sadness is being purged from my body via my butt. It's the only explanation. So I should be right as rain tomorrow.

Really, I tend to get over most funks quickly. The issue is that home is not a place, and never has been for me. Home is a people, MY people, and they are many and glorious and golden and 800 miles south of me. I have always felt emboldened by them to stand straighter and more loudly proclaim who I am and my opinions because I know their love.

And I left them. Because I needed to know I could still stand straight without them 10 minutes away to crumble against when things got terrible. And I think I've proved that to myself, for the most part, which is why missing Kathleen's baby shower and not being able to feel her daughter kick or hug my Evey G and nuzzle my Lottie Loo make weekends like this that follow hard weeks even harder to stand.

I also think this is due, in part, to not being creative lately. I haven't written in months, ever since I started school, and the absence of that is one more thing chipping away at my identity.

I imitate my dad at work, and the doctors think it's hilarious. They've all come to call me Erin-poo, just like my papa does. It's nice, because speaking like him makes me feel closer to him, but it makes me miss him so much too, and my mom.

So, as much as I love it here, I think if I can at least get the pre-req's for nursing done while living here, I'm going to do that and then move home to go to a BSN/MSN program. There's none up here, and I really don't want an associates. A bachelor's or above gives you infinitely more possibilities, and what am I if not a girl who keeps her options open?

I'll keep my eyes open, to who I am, what I can do, and who I love so much. And maybe I can't do it all on my own, but where's the shame in that?

"So hold on,
Hold on to what we are,
Hold on to your heart." - Of Monsters and Men, "Your Bones"