On being accepted.

Last Wednesday, I interviewed with the head of Masters in Nursing at my school of choice. After some hesitant language, the last ten minutes were spent planning my start date. I was in. I was accepted.

In the span of twenty minutes, my life's axis tilted, and I emerged elated and surefooted. All of this struggle for the last two years has not been in vain. I didn't work full-time at the hospital, volunteer as a CASA, and take anywhere from 10-14 units while in constant pain and alone up north for nothing. Sacrifice had placed a seed in my hand, and conquering innumerable hurdles had provided the tears to make it grow.

You may think I'm being dramatic, but I'm not. And I don't regret a moment or any decision I've made to get here. It's in my own time, to be sure, but there is nothing but soul-deep surety that this is what I'm meant to do with my life. Finding a path that's yours alone can take time, but the hunt is worth it, even if it takes your entire life. I can tell  you this confidently, my loves: don't stop until you find the place that your feet feel home.

Things are going incandescently right. Under normal circumstances, I would start to be scared around now, thinking that the other shoe is about to fall and I'll be at the disadvantage again, clawing upwards. But I think those days, the grand sweeping gestures of them, are behind me now. They've shaped me. As my good friend Sarah says: a good blade bends when pushed. It feels every blow that hits it. I felt my blows. I bounced so I wouldn't break. My metal was being tested. My self, the foundation of me, has been forged, and it's beautiful and fearsome and an oathkeeper. I would not have it any other way.

My mother looked at me the other day, and tilted her head just so. She told me, "You've always had a force of character, Erin. Me, I never had that backbone. I liked to believe I did, for a long time. We build up myths of ourselves in our own minds, and in mine, I was strong, but I never really was. And then there's you. And if there's anything that every parent will say about their children, it's that we wish they had more than us. In some ways, I gave you less than I had, but you were born with more strength of character than I ever had. That's the best gift I could ask for...you being so strong."

I love and am loved fiercely. While many other aspects of my life may be in flux, those two truths have remained the same, and I daresay always will. What could make you stronger than love? I feel it so intensely that it falls from my mouth when at my lowest and most exhausted and afraid. I don't fear death because of it. I don't fear failure, because it's just a state of mind. I don't fear loneliness, because who could be lonely with so much of this? So much. So big.

Be fearless. Nothing can hurt you. When it stings, know that it's your metal being tested, and the more you bounce, the stronger you'll become. You are infinite in this love. Go courageously into grace. Your best self is waiting for you in the unknown.