enraptured.

It's been a big week. It's the week following my break-up with Steve, but as Melanie was loudly pointing out last night, it's not as if we were close and hot/heavy to the end. We had been fading for awhile, so I need to get the hell over it and get some...according to her. I am naturally more hesitant.

If I just bounced from someone who I was so hopeful for to someone else I'm just with for a night, what would that say about me? Would my Grandma see me and be proud of the stupid shenanigans I was doing?

It's funny. I've never thought about a "GOD" that would pass judgement on me. When I have entertained the thought of this great judger, I laughed at it. I would give him the finger if he was so unbiased and unable to see the motives for my actions in my soul of souls, and was actually so petty as to have an opinion...that was how I realized people just put their own personalities on Gods. But I have always cared about what my Grandma would say. When I was laying in bed in my first terrible relationship and I was being screamed at and tears were running down my face, I looked at the ceiling and thought about her, and what she would say to the daughter of her daughter not learning from anyone who came before, and what in the hell was I doing?

I kicked him out the next day. My grandmother's opinion guides me more than any dude hypothesized about in a book could. Her love is my religion.

Anyway, I bought a Mini Cooper Clubman this week. It's pretty funny, because I got denied on Tuesday and approved on Wednesday and according to Aaron, that's a very Pokey thing to do. I wonder sometimes how that must appear to people...that I am so driven, so single-minded in my goals, when I'm really not. My real friends know that. The ones I go to when I'm lost and scared and forget that there's a direction at all, crying into their shirts and feeling that there is no reason to hope anymore.

But the Universe, God, my Grandma...whoever it is, tends to show me differently. And I am thankful that whenever my sadness and fear gush from my heart in tears, and it feels rung out and empty, it's always quick to refill with good things.

My cousin's wedding is next weekend. Aaron is going with me, which tells me it's going to be a whole new amazing. Just being with Aaron makes me happy, content, full and sated. I could spend whole days just laying next to him and I would feel it was far from wasted.

Yesterday, when the "rapture" was supposed to be happening, we were lying in his bed, and he had just finished rubbing my bad shoulder. His fingers lifted to my face, my eyes closed and content, and he stroked my eyebrow, brushed my eyelashes against my cheek. I smiled, and when my eyes opened he was smiling back at me.

I pity those people who think heaven is anywhere else but here.