I'm sitting in a Santa Cruz hospital with my Milla and her dad, my papa san. He's reading the contents of his jello cup because after he offered her some, she said she doesn't eat it because it has pig hooves in it and after we read the ingredients realized that it's vegan.
How very Santa Cruz. And aren't I happy to be here?
My cousin Tamara just got married to her now-husband Aaron yesterday. It was lovely. They tied the knot at an estate at Monterey between two trees, a field with horses splayed out behind them. There was artwork everywhere; maps with the word "hope" torn and spread over the DJ booth. Donut cake and lace wedding dress, mad-hatter tea party meets Victorian grace. It was probably the most beautiful and low-key nuptials I've ever been to, and it was nice because if I never get married, I saw elements of what I've always wanted in this one and I was able to experience it and know what it would have been like.
They danced down the aisle to my favorite song, Dog Days are Over, by Florence and the Machine, for heaven's sake. That's my life soundtrack on a daily basis.
Milla's dad had to have emergency gall bladder surgery; he was admitted on Thursday morning and I was happy that the wedding was this weekend anyway because if it hadn't been I would've been coming up here to support papa san and my Milla anyway. He's doing so much better now that the traitorous organ has since been removed.
It's been a tumultous week. My writing mentor, Aaron Race, passed away after a long battle with lymphoma, and he was the person who ultimately honed the inclinations I had as a young person into the passions I feel today. What is the purpose of living if you don't do it passionately? Before him I was just an occasional writer, but after him I was someone devoted to the word and to being the one writing it.
Aaron and I had another falling out, like the one that so efficiently tore us asunder a few years ago. Basically, my theory is that we got too close to fast, and Mr. No-Attachments-All-Partying Aaron got scared and ran away. It's stereotypically male, and stereotypically him, so I'm not really surprised. He backed out of coming on this trip with me last minute, saying that he didn't feel like spending a weekend that far out of his comfort zone, with garnered a response from me of, "San Fran..6 hours...is out of your comfort zone?!" Because that's pretty pathetic and I couldn't believe an adult would actually say that. This of course comes after a weekend spent partying with his friend and a Wednesday spent all day at Disneyland, during which time I'm sure a party this weekend came up and he thought, oh, I'd rather go to that then a wedding I have to ride in the car too, I can just cancel on Erin.
Which was the problem. I don't like people to back out on their word. I don't care if it's going to the movies or going up north. If I tell you I'm going with you, I am, even if it's uncomfortable. Was it easy to be at a wedding that was practically what I had hoped for myself 2 weeks after I broke up with the man I had hoped to marry? No. Could I have gotten out of it with no fingers pointed in blame at me? Of course I could have. Did I? No. Because I gave my word I'd be there. I'm not especially close to my cousin Tamara, but I believe deeply that your character is based on your convictions and your strength of bond, and I do not break those lightly. Aaron simply proved for the second time that his word is baseless and he only holds true to it when it's convenient for him. Granted, in his defense that's the societal standard, but I try to love and invest in people that are exceptional and above the norm. I love people who are true, and now Aaron is not on that list, all the sadder for him.
Milla went with me to the wedding. Before we went though, I was wearing my pretty coral dress and there was a old Chevy truck in a field on the road to her house, and we decided to have an impromptu photo shoot. I feel like MillaFoto had it's first client. We had so much fun, and she shot over 200 photos in less than an hour. I'm going to be posting them on Facebook soon. For the first time in my life, I want to be photographed because I feel that I am never going to be prettier than I am now, and as much as I love looking at photos of my mom and grandmother and family when they were young, I expect my children and grandchildren will want the same. So, for posterity's sake, I'm gong to be documented when it's possible.
Having her with me at the wedding was wonderful. The Universe knew what it was doing when it pulled Aaron out of these plans and let me enjoy it fully with her. She melded with my family like she'd always been there and when my cousin Danny and Ron made me laugh so hard I had to crouch down so that the swaying of my laughter wouldn't topple me in my heels, she was laughing too. I am joyous and thankful.
Tonight we're going to wander downtown Santa Cruz, and tomorrow I'm going to spend the day with Carl and Queenie and enjoy the baby Carnivale that's going on around their streets. We'll walk and laugh and hug and I will be continually reminded about why I have the standards of association that I do: I don't want to muddy the perfectly clear waters I've been able to collect around myself.
Holy shitballs, I am so lucky.
I love you.
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