Insecurities.

I never feel more insecure then when I'm falling for someone. It's terrible, for a lot of reasons.

1) It's been validated, time and time again. For a few of my most meaningful exes, I simply was "not enough". That's a terrible feeling, and one that takes awhile to process and get over.

2) When you feel like you're tumbling into love, all of that armor that protects you on a daily basis comes off with each bump as you go further and further into the ravine. By the time you've landed in the rapids below, your arm floaties are dead, your innertube was the first thing to go, and you're lucky if your bathing suit hasn't been torn to shreds.

3) All relationships are golden and new in the beginning, and when that begins to fade, the real nature of what could be comes out. Is it a partnership, are there flavors of co-dependence, is one way more needy than the other? I'm normally the more reserved one, but in this particular circumstance, I feel like my heart isn't on my sleeve, it's in my mouth, and every word I speak is more of this deepening affection spewing out like gems from a dead woman's mouth. I want to sew it up and stop the words from coming unwarranted and constantly, but every time I try, something jams the needle and I end up feeling foolish for trying.

4) Maybe I should know better. I unflailingly trust my gut, and if this doesn't work out, I'll be optimistic and find the lesson I was supposed to learn, but I don't know if I could prevent my heart from becoming bitter. I don't know how I find people so uncomfortable with voicing how they feel, but I do, and so I never know what they're feeling, and that's where my gut leads me: to people different from me, so I can learn, but I've tasted this fruit too many times and am starting to get nothing but rind.

5) I wish I was with my friends, so we could sit in my car in the dark and talk about all these deep feelings and purge them away. It's different on the phone or in text. I need them near me. Being so far from home is especially terrible when you're swimming in dark waters of pain, recovery, and new hopes.

I'm going to go try and distract myself. Goodnight, you.