Carpe hope.

As I was sitting in bed, harvesting a pomegranate tonight, I was slammed with memories.

I'm nineteen and sitting in a dark living room with Jeff, my mentor at the time. We were looking through a book about the Sacred Feminine, and discussing symbology associated with it at the time. The most prominent were pomegranates...they were tucked away all over the place in art throughout his house and found constantly in myth. Persephone much? But here we are. Now. And my sacred feminine is due to be harvested in two months and I can't help but wonder if I'll feel different.

I know I'll be significantly happier from the lack of pain. As it is now, I'm constantly fighting just to get out of bed, get to work, get to school, study...stay motivated to do anything at all. The heavens opened up and gave me the Cataldos and their friend Melanie who are paying for the surgery in its entirety. If I didn't have them, I'd be driven to something desperate that I don't even want to think about. Knowing that there's an end in sight...Thanksgiving to be exact...is a huge relief. Making it through nursing school is less daunting, as well as possibly trying to do a relationship again.

When Liam and I broke up, part of the discussion of factors that led us to that point was that he resented me: notably my pain and what it took away from "us". I knew it, of course, throughout our relationship, and was constantly apologizing for having to decline coming over to watch a movie or whatnot because the thought of trying to stay vertical AND deal with his vicious, passive-aggressive mother were overwhelming. I had more panic attacks while dating him than I did in the five years before. The guilt was oppressive, and I let a lot go that, in retrospect, I should've addressed because I knew that being in a relationship with someone dealing with chronic pain is a burden in and of itself. So, while it's painful to know that someone I loved resented me for something I couldn't control, it's more painful to think of it happening again because technically, it's valid. I don't feel right trying to date someone while dealing with this pain and the implied depression that goes along with it. What a shitty partner I'd be.

A friend brought up that post-hysterectomy I might not be as "desirable" to the normal guy anymore, either. I hadn't thought of it, and for the record, I'd like to say that I don't give a flying fuck. I'm not a goddamn breeding machine, and if that was truly ever part of the fucking criteria used to judge my feasibility as a partner, I'm glad I couldn't deliver (PUN TOTALLY INTENDED).

Truly, getting this procedure is saving my life. My ten-day hospitalization, during which I came close to dying from complications, were ones that arose solely from my endometriosis. I don't want a broken piece of biologic machinery taking up space just to maintain the status quo of what my gender was ideally supposed to be capable of. I love children. I love my godchildren, I love my foster youths I've had the joy of mentoring, I love all of my cousin's children, and I fully anticipate loving the future children I'll parent via adoption/fostering/stepchildren just as much as I'd love anyone that came from my womb.

I bought dinner for a guy that looked kinda down on his luck tonight at the diner. Sharky and I had the joy of sitting next to this amazing foursome of two elderly couples who spoke animatedly in some european language I didn't recognize. They spoke perfect english to the waitress and called her sweetheart. They ordered warm apple pie. I don't have enough to get my car washed now (HA!), but I feel like sharing a smile with those couples and getting a thank you from the guy I helped feed was a little way of paying forward what is given to me daily.

I'm so amazingly lucky, and I know it. My family is amazing, biologic and otherwise. My friends are a gift. And I know that whatever happens, that love is a constant. And it bursts like pomegranate seeds on my tongue.