On love.

I’ve had a tumultuous couple of months, friends. I couldn’t tell you everything even if I wanted to. As youknow, on my birthday I fell and severely damaged my ankle…two weeks later, Liam and I broke up. In that break-up conversation, some nasty things were said; he resented me for my extensive pain issues, didn’t see a future with me because I wouldn’t “get along” with his mom (which I did, I just didn’t let her walk all over me when she got rude, and apparently that wasn’t good enough). The guilt and manipulation that surrounded our time together, sex, guh…everything, really did a number on me, and it has required months of processing to understand the scope of it all. At the end of the day, I think he was playing a charade that he wasn’t even fully aware of; he wasn’t being himself, he was being “the boyfriend” he thought I deserved, making most of his sentiments and promises invalid. That’s why it seemed so ideal, because he was working hard at making it so, but it was equally untrue. 

Two weeks ago, I left to go to St. Louis for Jessica. Her father was suddenly diagnosed with stage 4 small cell lung cancer that had metastasized to the rest of his body, and he didn’t have long. I was delivering two of his sons and his granddaughters for a final farewell, as well as being there for her as I’ve been for every major event since we met, and to say my own goodbye. It was fraught with issues; her parents didn’t leave and free up space when they said they would, we all got a terrible stomach flu, I got a cold before I had to drive solo back with her youngest brother, etc. But it was worth it, to be there for my family. I’ll always do whatever it takes to fulfill that most fundamental promise I make to whoever I pledge my love to. 

While I was gone, a flirtation developed with a friend of mine. I think it was fueled by my absence, and moved things faster than they would’ve gone if I hadn’t left. It’s already over, and the finality of it hurts, because of how much I truly enjoy him. He’s one of those people that makes any conceivable situation better, and really embraced my rowdiness, which was always frowned on by other people I’ve dated. The unfortunate part is that he is extremely stressed with work, his business, and family, and I felt like a burden on top of all that; one more person wanting a piece of him, and even though I tried hard to be essentially low maintenance, I felt like I wanted more than he could give and it would lead to resentment quickly. There’s nothing worse than someone you care about resenting you, and as I type that, Liam’s words are cutting through me and I know I won’t be dropping those bags soon. He fed on a very specific insecurity of mine; since I was 12 and had to live with my aunt, I’ve been told to do everything in my power not to be a burden, and I work so hard at it constantly. I clean up after myself, especially if I’m visiting someone, I bus my own tables…it just never ends. So, being resented for being the burdensome half of a relationship due to something completely out of my control has, to say the least, severely bruised me. Those same feelings arising so quickly into this flirtation, and the wincing pain I felt at the thought of being a burden and consequently resented by someone I enjoyed so much, made me backpedal quickly. Maybe in the future he'll have more time and I won't feel like I'm in chick warfare with other girls for a piece of his attention. I don’t think I’ll be able to help wanting him, but it’s not fair to ask him to give more than what he’s told me he can manage. 

Besides, I’m getting a hysterectomy in 19 days. That’s a lot for anyone to try and handle, and I know my Liam couldn’t have. I don’t feel right asking anyone to go through it with me, emotionally or physically, which is why I’m going alone. It feels right that way. 

I wonder sometimes if I’m so obsessed with not being a burden that I’ll end up so low on a totem pole that no one will notice if I go missing. And who would be to blame?! No one but my own damn self. 

Why can’t my extremely hot and sweet Anatomy professor suddenly realize I’m his life mate and ask me out? Although, even as I joke about it, I know he’d be yet another person that would be embarrassed by my loudass mouth and rowdy nature, and I’m sick of it. I’d rather be single than be shushed. 

On that note, I’m going to have a drink. I’ve cried enough for a week. Toodles noodles.