I realized today in my uber lame, sub-100 psych class required for graduation that I am in fact emotionally dead.
No heartbeat in my heart of hearts. No caring. I feel like nothing at all really matters.
I'm not excited about anything. The last six months have been so hard that it's like I had to shut off the part of me that felt overwhelmed and scared and unsure to keep pulling myself up by my bootstraps, and in the crossfire everything else.
I don't care that I'm graduating. All I'm looking at is, IF I get a decent job, going to work 50 hours a week somewhere that I'll probably feel inadequate skill-wise at and dedicating a massive portion of my income to debt. For the next 3-5 years. Which means I could feasibly be a 28 yr old living at home. And if I move out? Woo. A house. Being part of the douchy yuppie masses that literally wake up, go to my hated job in the car I have a huge payment on, come home, go to the gym for an hour, walk my dog, make my lonely dinner for one, watch some stupid prime time show, and go to sleep.
I hate my life and I haven't even started it.
Logically, I know I should somehow magically consider some unbeknown alternative. I'm not a smelly hippy. I do, in fact, like having a stable home. And the reality is, I'm financially bound to my family. Yeah, it's technically willing, but in a deontological way, I can't morally economically abandon her. So I'm trapped.
I feel like I'm going to die having existed in one long, pointless life. And I feel totally powerless. And I hardly care at all.
