Is that good or bad? I don't know. -Rumi.
Life shifts in big, whopping waves. I wanted to write last weekend about how wonderful my trip up north was, but I haven't had a chance to, so I'll write about it now.
I left Friday afternoon to head to my people. A few hours after I left, my Melski called me in a panic because someone had hit her in a head-on collision. Cue the worry. She was in shock, didn't want to call her parents, and had no idea what to do, so I walked her through the process step by step and tried to help her as much as I could being so far away from her. Right after she called, I noticed money had been swiped from my wallet at work, and having so many things go wrong so soon into my trip made me seriously consider turning around, cutting my losses and taking care of Melanie. But something inside me told me to continue northward, so I did.
During the drive, I started texting Josh. We talked the entire way up, and already, I could sense something deep moving inside of me. I thought he was cute, of course (we work for the same company and he'd helped out at our office, etc), and I respected how he'd moved up at his job, but I didn't think of us in terms of a couple. He did, and over the weekend set himself on convincing me on the sly.
I got to San Jose and was able to sit and talk to Kassie for hours about life and music and faire and it was wonderful. She always imbues me with this golden warmth, like I'm connected to the homesource. The next morning, I went to faire in Gilroy and was able to see friends I've known since I was 16 and hug them and love them and suck in their wisdom and advice. That night I drove up to Santa Cruz to be with my Milla, another golden woman who reminds me what it's like to be passionate and full and open. She's always been able to GET this part of me that is so hard for others to comprehend or accept. We went to Saturn, the bestest vegetarian diner that we always hit up downtown, and walked around awhile, being girls and gushing over the love she's found with her partner and how confused I was over Frank and Cesar and now Josh.
So many decisions about MY love life had already been made (de facto) by others, and it was frustrating. Cesar is a great guy, but absolutely does not want a relationship with me or anyone else, and I'm not in the mindset for friends with benefits. I want something stable. And then I met Frank, who I've known for awhile as the most amazing guy and kapow, we had fantastic chemistry and all I could think was "this could SO work, and it would be vivid." But for very valid reasons on both ends, we couldn't work now.
Enter Josh. He's been interested in me for awhile and I found out, ironically, the night I had my first date with Cesar. My life was too complicated to try and do anything then, and frankly, I had high hopes for Mr. C. I found out two weeks ago that Josh is taking a position in Mammoth, and I was super jealous because, well, who the hell doesn't love Mammoth?! So I got his number and texted him, partially to get details, partially to see if he actually felt the way my friend mentioned he did, partially to see if we had a spark.
I talked to Milla about it on Saturday night, and she gave me, as always, blissfully well-rounded advice. She wants me to be with someone stable, someone happy, who can reciprocate my natural state... the bright, beautiful, raucous state that I am with her, not my angsty, stressed, face-punching self that I am when I've overworked. And frankly, I had to work so hard with Cesar and Frank. Getting them to be open was like pulling teeth, and each had their own reasons for being that way. But Josh was so open, so immediately honest about he felt and what he wanted, and it was like my hot and frustrated spirit was soothed.
I spent Sunday at Faire with my Milla, and saying it was glorious is a pitiful adjective to describe it. Seeing all of my people up there helped water me, and I drove home feeling refreshed.
On Monday, I hung out with Josh and his friends, and on Wednesday he met my family and asked me to be his girlfriend afterwards. I said yes.
I'm happy. Naturally, I'm nervous that I'll get too happy and too comfortable and that the strain of being lonely and so far apart will take our newness and shred it in the wind. But that's when I'm too much in my head. I'm going to trust that we'll both try to make it work, and that's all we can do.
So that's that. I'll leave you with another Rumi poem.
Dissolver of Sugar
Dissolver of sugar, dissolve me,
if this is the time.
Do it gently with a touch of a hand, or a look.
Every morning I wait at dawn. That's when
it's happened before. Or do it suddenly
like an execution. How else
can I get ready for death?
You breathe without a body like a spark.
You grieve, and I begin to feel lighter.
You keep me away with your arm,
but the keeping away is pulling me in.
<3
