Love sustains.

I thought back on this year, thinking about doing some kind of yearly wrap up like I tend to do, and all I could really think was how thankful I am for the life I have.

It was a rough year, there was no denying it. I was hospitalized and had drawn out complications. I've been on a back-road financial potholed road now for almost the entire year. School while working full time. Being a CASA volunteer.

But at the end of it, every situation has given my more to be thankful for. Neighbors who I barely knew stood by me when I was ill, took care of my dogs, and helped me haul laundry when I came home because I couldn't carry it down the stairs by myself. My boss and coworkers with their tireless support. My family, ever vigilant and loving, sending me random cards or small care packages to help lighten the load and remind me that I am so completely and thoroughly loved.

I try to feel grateful every day, and this year has given me endless moments to look back on and be comforted. The human spirit is a remarkable thing, and I am fully aware that I am surrounded by shining examples of the best.

I wish you could see how big my heart is for you. How deeply I am grateful for your love. Thank you is a shallow offering, but know that I mean it as deep as my soul goes.

Thank you for loving me and letting me love you back. Everything I accomplish, I do so because you sustain me.

Wrapped.

"We really need to talk about something important, okay?"

My youth looks at me, blue eyes open and earnest, and I consider what I'm about to say. I wonder if it'll come off as bitterness accumulated from disappointments, wisdom from a rough road traveled, or just pretentious bullshit. So, I cut out all the extra that I had planned on saying and told her simply:

"We've talked about your plans, and I'm so happy you have them, and that they're different and changing and shifting. They SHOULD be. You're 17. But they're all dependent on the presence of another person, and I just want you to know something that has helped me get through life: Ultimately, the only person you can depend on is yourself."

She nodded, and I saw in her eyes that she understood. She explained that she knew that, but everyone around her doesn't practice it (except me), and she felt weird being so independent.

"Everything is weird in high school. It's a foul, evil, shitty stage of life. A lot of important stuff happens in the next ten years, so pay attention to it. Remember who you are, and who you want to be. Stay strong. The rest will fall into place."

She got teary and hugged me, and as we walked into the store to go snow globe hunting, she held on tightly, wrapped around my ribs and making me feel like a lioness with her cub.

I've had such a weird week. I got a gnarly head cold, wasn't able to move to where I'd planned, and my dog got sick. I dreamt that I murdered my mom's abusive boyfriend from my childhood one night, and that I got proposed to at a Mumford and Sons concert the next. During "After the Storm" even, my favorite song. Which leads me to an interesting seque...

I had a weird dream two weeks ago where I saw, clear as day, that I was a nurse in an ER and a widowed architect with a young daughter who thought she could fly from trees came in. Wham bam, date, proposal, the whole thing. And the only reason this makes me quirk an eyebrow at all is because I've pretty fully accepted my singlehood in the recent months. Not hoping, not looking, not interested. And then my subconscious wants to what...bitch slap me? Remind me that I'm a few years shy of 30 and extremely childless? I'm not thrilled.

I'm watching Love Actually and got a Charlie Brown Christmas tree tonight. That's pretty much the extent of my holiday spirit, two days before the holiday. More importantly, 6 days from now I'll be home, and that's the true gift of the season.

Hey. If you're reading this, there's a high chance I love you, so here's looking at you kid.

Grinchmas.

It takes so much to write nowadays. I'm really disappointed in myself, but when I take a step back and look at what I'm doing with my life, I'm alright with it.

I have a job that is laying the foundation for my future career, I'm mentoring a bright and intelligent teenager, I'm making scarves for homeless people in my community, donating food to shelters, cuddling with my dogs at night, and going to school. When I write, it's in these bright moments of joy when I look around and marvel at the people I am so so LUCKY to have in my life.

I'm rolling around a new story in my head. It's about a woman who's a matchmaker, and a soupmaker. Depending on what her client needs, she makes a soup to match it, and turns it into a man. I thought if the woman did something scandalous, like lie to him, he'd turn back into soup and she's unknowingly eat him. I thought that was a quite Grimm-fairytale-esque ending.

I am facing an odd type of homelessness myself. I can't stand staying where I am any longer; I'm surrounded by mold and it is negatively effecting my health, and since that's one of the few things I have going for me, I really can't sacrifice it all willy nilly. The place I had all set up fell through this morning, and the alternative is maybe moving back in with my friend I couch surfed with when I first moved here, but it would be way more expensive than what I'm paying now. And really, I can't take more financial hits.

I feel like I'm a stone sinking into a lake. I'm still kicking, but it feels like the pressure is starting to crack me like an egg.

In 10 days, I'll be home. I'll be in warmth and surrounded by my friends and family who love me, and that's a priceless feeling. I can't wait to hug them and gush over them and let them know how much I miss them and adore them and want to be near them again.

I can withstand anything for 10 days. Especially when I felt good enough to write this:

"So many smiles
My face ripples open
Dahlias springing from my mouth
For you to brush against your cheek and know this love"...

10 days ago. And when I'm overwhelmed by that sinking feeling, I listen to music, and it helps. This is one of my recent favorites. 



Put your dreams away for now
I won't see you for some time
I am lost in my mind
I get lost in my mind

Momma once told me
You're already home where you feel loved
I am lost in my mind
I get lost in my mind

Oh my brother
Your wisdom is older than me
Oh my brother
Don't you worry 'bout me

Don't you worry
Don't you worry, don't worry about me

How's that bricklayin' comin'?
How's your engine runnin'?
Is that bridge gettin' built?
Are your hands gettin' filled?
Won't you tell me, my brother?

'Cause there are stars
Up above

We can start
Moving forward

How's that bricklayin' comin'?
How's your engine runnin'?
Is that bridge gettin' built?
Are your hands gettin' filled?
Won't you tell me, my brother?

'Cause there are stars
Up above

We can start
Moving forward

Lost in my mind
Lost in my mind
Oh I get lost in my mind
Lost, I get lost

I get lost in my mind
Lost in my mind
Yes I get lost in my mind,
Lost, I get lost
I get lost

Oh I get lost

Oh I get...

Merry Grinchmas.