I love...

Mornings like this one. I'm drinking a big cup of hot chai, my window is open to the cold fresh rainy morning, my momma made me a nom breakfast burrito, and after studying for a few hours for my chem test, I feel much more secure about the midterm in an hour.

I'm so satisfied today. I'm going to be in the company of a man I adore tonight, and it's something to look forward to; something that makes the rest of the day much more tolerable, which is why I think relationships are necessary for most people to begin with.

Today's going to be a good day. I feel it. I hope it's the same for you, my darling.

Realizations.

Hm. I'm graduating soon. I'm not really terrified by the concept anymore, but I've come to a few realizations.

1. I definitely pursued a course of study that I loved, not one that was practical for my work habits. I don't know how I really feel about that yet: am I proud that I had the cajones/confidence to go balls to the wall for what I love and knowing that I'd land on my feet? Really, I don't think I can take credit at all. This is how my cookie is crumbling and I'm just pretty damn phenomenal at making the best of things, if I do say so myself.

2. Because of aforementioned not-getting-a-degree-in-what-I'm-actually-good-at, I'm probably going to get a job doing what I AM good at, and therefore being the butt of my own jokes. Oh yes. I've made fun of the communication Bachelor holders working at Enterprise Rent-a-Car before, and now I'm going to be one of them...just, well, not a communication degree holder. Well, I hope I'm going to be one of them, if my Thursday interview goes well. Frankly, I love talking to people. I love working with 'em, making them happy, making their lives a tad easier, having them walk away with a sweet taste in their mouth. Maybe it was years of teasing manifesting as liking to be a people pleaser in some way. Maybe it's killing bitterness with kindness. Whatever it is, I'm good at doing it and it's deeply fulfilling, so yeah, whatever I do, it needs to be customer interactive. Geography is rarely that...it's mostly working in a cubicle or field, staring at a computer screen for research and analysis and writing and cataloging and I don't want to do it 40 hours a week for the rest of my life. At night? Hell yes. On weekends? You bet. Still going to get a Masters and Ph.D. Hopefully still going to consult. Just on my terms.

Really, I climb the ladder too fast for my own good. And at small environmental/consultant/government situations, you can't do that. And where's the fun? The drive? The competitive edge? Well, it doesn't exist folks. So that won't be my avenue.

I've been poor my entire life, and as soon as I'm not THAT anymore, a huge hurdle of my life's successes will be accomplished. That's all I need to reach in the near future.

Everything else is okay. I've just been waking up a lot lately. KAPOW! Epiphany. BOOM! Wake. the. fuck. up.

The Wolf.

I've been feeling in a funk lately, and I think I realize why. I'm finely balanced between two things: the generous, the old, the bright soul that is firmly connected to the other, and my wolf. It came to me today, and within ten minutes I heard the words in my head, wrote them down, and feel more at peace then I have in awhile.

The Wolf.

In a world of sheep and weak things

I walk around feeling a powerful sense of being.

Sahara between my toes

Moss in my snout

I’ll enjoy your blood as I swallow your entrails down.

I’m a wolf in a world of sheep

I eat them when I’m hungry

Pass unbeknownst in their flock when I’m sated.

I’ve always been a predator, and the wise ones have always seen it:

Respected it, feared it, encouraged it to thrive.

The knowledge that the biggest and scariest are the ones

That will inherit the earth, because the meek were meals.

I laughed at the carpenter’s son when he said to turn the other cheek;

I’d bite that hand off and hold your heart in my hand before

My head had time to snap back from the blow.

I lead them to slaughter when their time has come

And they follow timidly and oh so docile

Offering themselves to me without realizing their folly.

Offer yourself to me and I’ll take advantage.

I won’t let a meal walk away. Mercy and grace are not inside of me.

I’ll survive, on your meat or that of your neighbor;

It makes no difference to me.

Be wise dear heart, and see me for what I am;

You might live longer.

What a great feeling, this wholeness.