My father had a triple bypass surgery. I knew something bad was coming, so I put in my resignation after I got home from my new years vacation home, and lo and behold, 10 days later he's in the OR.
The drama that unfolded was...immense. And overwhelming. My brother saw me in the hallway and couldn't talk to me, and I didn't see him. I still have no idea what my own brother looks like, and it kills me. I didn't get a chance to meet him, or hear his voice, or see if we laughed the same, before he and his son had to fly back across the country.
My eldest sister couldn't look me in the eye. Every time I walked into a room, she walked out. She feels that I'm a walking, living betrayal and won't be party to knowing me and keeping my identity a secret.
The weight of all these things, amidst hiding behind posts when other family dropped in, avoiding certain people by waiting in the cafeteria, etc., was hard, especially in addition to the normal pressures of my papa undergoing open heart surgery.
I love my father. There wasn't a doubt in my mind what I'd have to do. So after he was safely home, I drove back to the Crescent on a Saturday, worked Sunday and Monday while packing up the house, and I drove back on Tuesday. Exhausting, trying, and emotionally draining, but I made it.
I'm nervous and scared about what my life holds for me now. My timetable has been thrown off, so I have to re-evaluate things and find my footing again.
T and I have been e-mailing, and this just makes everything else even more heavy. The lyric from the Black Keys, "I don't need to get steady, I know just how I feel", is something I desperately want to apply to me.
If only.
Things will get better. They always do.
