full moon world tilt.

The moon is sitting fat and full and yellow outside my car window, and I can't help but think about how my dad has always called this moon MY moon. "Erin's moon was out last night, did you see?" he would say if he visited the next day. My mom's moon is the thin white sliver crescent, so much like a fingernail.

It's ironic, you see. There are certain truths of my life that have defined me in the way that histories tend to define parts of your foundation. My mother is my father's mistress. He has a wife and family that do not know I exist. I am a source of great guilt in his life, but he loves me anyway. These are the truths of my identity, and as of a few days ago, they've been altered.

My mother's existence became known of. My sisters called my cell today, I assume getting the number from phone records, hoping to contact my mother but reaching me instead.

They asked me things they needed to know and truth flowed from my mouth like water from a wellspring. I told them a lot about my parents, about how it hasn't been a novella-style sexy affair of an older man and younger woman. How it's been about love. How in my heart of hearts, my father sets an almost terrifying example of the man I hope to marry; he is the epitome of Corinthians. He is patient. He is kind. He does not envy, does not boast, is not proud, nor rude or self-seeking. He is not easily angered or keeps records of wrongs (God knows). He does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth, which is why keeping this one has made, I firmly believe, a third of his life one endlessly bittersweet agony for him.

He always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

My sisters broke my heart with the sweetness of their understanding. Only one spoke, and she said that she knows I'm her sister because even though she just learned of my existence (from me...10 minutes earlier), that she knew from my voice and my words that I was lovely and she knew she could love me as a sister. I'm so proud that I can call women of that caliber my own. I've known their stories almost as long as I've known mine, and to witness their grace and strength during such a personal upheaval is awe inspiring.

My story is so altered. How ironic that it happens a week after I started the first chapter of my book, which is all about my parents?

I hope I can have more of them in my life, even though just this small contact is more than I thought I'd ever have.

What a life. And I mean that in a good way.

I'm going to write a book!

So, I've been writing my entire life; as long as I can remember I've been putting words to paper to help me deal with emotions, present my self as stable, et cetera. Dear friends have told me I should write a book based on short stories or poetry they've read, but the thought of amassing enough of that kind of content into a book worth reading or creating a fictional novel with enough of a plot has been too daunting. Now, I realize what I was missing.

I didn't think I had enough life to warrant a memoir, but I realize that yes, I do. It won't be about me, though, per se. It will be about the people have shaped me throughout my life; the various families, individuals, dearest friends, who have shaped me to be who I am. Who have been the community raising this child.

I can see it so clearly, and I'm so excited. I just need to carve out the time to write it, and I feel like it will flow from my fingertips like the Nile during flooding. A Nile of love and devotion and gratitude.

I feel like my heart is giving one slow, lazy bump after months of being stilled. It's going to happen.

I love you. Give me your thoughts! <3

Life as I know it.

So, friends, it's been a long time since I've posted anything. Maybe because I was overwhelmed with life flooding all over me, maybe because I was busy with finals and graduating, maybe because I didn't want to whine all over my blog more than I already had done. For whatever, I'm back.

I graduated college. Two Bachelor degrees, which is always nice. If I think positively, they were only 10K apiece. I started working for a great company a week after the school chapter ended, and while I won't say where it is, let me assure you that it is decent pay, very secure (unless I reeeeallly mess up), tons of hours, and benefits. That's all I wanted from work, really, so I'm a happy camper.

My personal life has been one long, stymied mess though. Thankfully I didn't get too wrapped up in my ex-partners crap, so when we ended, I wasn't demolished. But still, it hasn't been the most amazing of experiences, and while I'm happy being single, I'm also open to the possibility of someone better. I'm not going to let this recent bad experience mar my hopes about partnership.

I feel like this recent melee has helped me walk gracefully around a turning point that has been impassable for my adult life. For once, I never questioned my value as a person; I was only angry that he would choose someone we all know is a step down from me as his partner. But it's a remarkable thing, to be free of doubt. Of that particular brand of insecurity. And I know that, if I'm so inclined, I can find someone who will suit me better. I no longer have the I'm-in-a-relationship blinders on, and I can keep my eyes wide open.

I'll leave you with the lyrics to a great song and the recommendation that you listen to it!

Evolve, by Kevin Quinn.
If you wanna revolution the only solution
evolve gotta evolve
If you wanna revolution the only solution
evolve gotta evolve
if you gettin' off track and you wanna get back
it may take a lot of work won't break your back
If you wanna revolution the only solution
evolve gotta evolve
No matter what they do they can't break your stride
Revolution is a thing that starts inside
throw your hands up cuz you're frisked with pride
hold your head high no need to hide
EVO LVE come on get inside,
come on rock with me.
if you want a revolution the only solution, evolve (gotta evolve)
GOT TO EVOLVE! if you want a revolution, you got to evolve.
OHH BABY! if you wanna a revolution
the only solution, evolve

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xYgFjBDoHNA

I love you. Have a good weekend. I'm off to do laundry while it's still early and energy costs are low!