adam.

So, it's weird how things synch up to help you (or hurt you, obviously) along.

Adam and I being as close as we are is hard for me sometimes, because I'm trying to keep in mind that I can't ever take it further than this. And often, especially when he's depressed, he talks about how he doesn't feel good enough for anyone. That's hard for me to hear, and reassuring him can be harder, because I end up telling him about how worthwhile he is, and that makes me want him more. Ha. Bittersweet.

But in the last week or so, Adam has been talking to me less. Things are going better with his on again-off again girlfriend, and whenever things are on the up, he tends to pay less attention to me. I'm a little sad by it, but it came at an opportune time. I need to get away from the situation for awhile, and out of my head. This is definitely providing that break.

I'm ending my week thankful. Tonight I'm going to hang out with my friends.. one of which I'm developing a budding interest in. Crushes always help distract me ;)

Logic versus love.

My life is changing. I've never felt closer to the pit of depression that has haunted my mother and friends than I do now, which is weird, since I'm so close to getting the things that I feel are the foundation for my happiness.

I'm a year away from graduating. I have a great internship. I'm going to be getting a much needed surgery. I'll be seeing my sisters soon after two years of not wrapping my arms around them. I'll meet my first nephew. So why am I so panicked? So anxious?

I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I've never been so deeply affected by change that I brought about.

My friend has mentioned before that so many of my nightmares are motivated by having no control or means of defense against people attacking me. I think I've always associated those situations with thin people. Yes, I know that's not accurate, but as a large woman, I feel akin to a fierce rhinoceros that only stupid people would charge. If I'm thin, I might have to physically defend myself. Gah, I'm going to need to take some classes.

If I research things, I feel more prepared for life. Which is silly, because I of all people know that you can't live in your head. Hmm.

I'm lonely too, and I can admit that here, because no one will really be reading this. I still love Aaron, but I love and miss what we were, not what we ended as. I'm scared that I'm falling for Adam. Why do I fall for my friends? It just kills my heart... demolishes support beams like an old Vegas casino falling in love with the dynamite that's going to level it. Adam though, unlike what Aaron led me to believe, could never love me back. So I'm trying hard to stop myself, which could also undoubtedly be contributing to my depression.

As much as it hurts, I love being in love.

I love feeling my heart so wide and open to the world. I fall in love with trees and hills and flowers and scents everyday. I fall in love with smiles and waiters singing and beaten up shoes and beards. With backscratchers and the relief of peeing after you've been holding it for a long time.

This logical self I'm meeting as I grow up is hurting my soul. Even with assured heartbreak at the end, I've still jumped headfirst into giving my mental kisses and caresses to someone.

I'm being smart about it because I'm worried (after Aaron) that I won't be able to come back from it if I go legitimately for the long term love that I gave him. If I loved Adam that way.. the wholehearted way that is partly so passionate because it entertains the hope that you will one day be with that person...I don't know if I could deal with the disappointment of it going unanswered again.

Logic versus love. Isn't that the only question that matters at the end of it all?