I saw my doctor today and I'm cleared to go back to work tomorrow. I'm so happy and relieved; when I went out for surgery I was about to test to be promoted, and to do that I need to get back and into the swing of things.
I'm feeling very conflicted. I'm thrilled about the love I have for my friends and family and how it's reciprocated, the growth opportunities at work, the financial progress I'm making, possibly getting into grad school and buying my first house in about a year, all that good stuff.
But then I'm hit with this massive confusion and sadness when I think about my relationship with Steve. I haven't seen him in three weeks, and he doesn't want to see me. Last night, some light was shone on why: apparently, when I was upset that he was whiny for no reason when we went to LA for a day makes him assume I'm always going to think he's a bitchy baby if he's not in a great mood when we hang out. Which isn't true. We always see each other after work and are pretty bleh with each other, and that's kinda what bonded us; we could bitch to each other and find humor in the technique, laugh about it and move on. I was just upset that ONE TIME because he was bitchy for no reason he was willing to share, and if you're just in a crappy mood, yes, I think you should try and put it aside when you're with your significant other in a big day they planned. Am I so wrong? And now that one mistake, that one piece of honesty and miscommunication is what is costing me seeing or hugging my boyfriend.
Is it supposed to be this hard? Am I too invested in something that is one-sided?
I hate being confused. I don't have regrets about anything so far because I love him, and when I love someone I stay as devoted as I can without losing myself.
My sister asked me what's kind of man wouldn't love me. Ma asked the same thing when I told her. All I can do is shrug. I'm following my gut, which tells me that Steve would not want to continue being in a relationship with me after I told him how I feel if he didn't think he might reciprocate someday. He's not so cruel that he would string me along if he seriously thought he wouldn't.
I've made so many innocuous decisions with him that have backfired, though, that I don't know what's the right path to go on. I've never felt so off-kilter, so clueless as the right route to take.
My north star has moved, and I have yet to find it.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Devotion.
I am so full of thanks, so grateful for the love in my life and the blessings I am bestowed with.
Today was Easter. All hail the zombie Jew. But I love this holiday because, like most holidays, I get to see all my families in one hectic, vibrant, stressful day.
It started with meeting up with my aunt and heading to Riverside for brunch with my cousin and his wife and in-laws. They're a really wonderful family, so it was a great visit and I got to bond over the dry chardonnay humor I have with my Aunt ZZ and cousin Dan.
When we got back to her house, my uncle Al was there. It's silly to say I have "favorite" uncles, but man, when my Uncle Mike and Uncle Al are in the same room, I'm happier than a pig in shit. They are so amazing alone, so having them together is like this copulation of wonderful. If I would put one word to them, Mike is an artist and Al is a philosopher. I always try to go by the house to see Al when he visits from Vegas because talking to him is akin to my own soul popping out of my sternum and taking over another body that I can marvel at. He's so intelligent and on the same wavelength as myself that I am tempted when my faith leaves me to hop in a car and drive out to the desert and seek his wisdom.
Second was the Cataldos. We had Easter at grandma Frances's house and all of us "kids" (the youngest being what, 15 or 16? haha) were psyched because we knew that there was going to be an egg hunt later. I love seeing Uncle Frank...he pats my shoulders and tells me I'm the sweetest girl and how I'm his favorite. Grandma Frances asking me how my shoulder feels and when I say much better, her kissing my hand in happiness and me leaning down to kiss hers back for caring so much. Bawdy stories with my adopted cousins at the table, all of us tentacles to this octopus of giving and love that is the body of our family sitting warm and safe inside. My brother Jay likes to say that I killed our cousin Jami's sheltered-life-bubble the first time we really sat down and had a conversation...I was working at the porn shop at the time and the look on her face was completely astounded. I laugh just thinking about it.
The egg hunt is on. My brother and I run around the side of the house in the opposite direction of everyone else, and before we hit the gate Jay and I are sliding and laughing and I body check him so I can get through first. He naturally Italian-ized it later, saying I almost threw him down the hill, yadda yadda. I just love being able to talk to my Italians on the holidays. I called Aunt Jo, well, Aunt Jo, and she smiled big and golden, saying "I love it when you call me that. It makes me feel so loved." How can one person like me be so lucky to be surrounded by so many wonderful people? I leaned against my Ma outside, my head on her shoulder and her rubbing my back and laughing at Ian chasing around his sister Tara and I felt that if this was all I achieved with my life it would be enough.
My final stop of the night was my Thompsons. I got to squeeze my Unkie, kiss my smiling papa bear on the cheek, wink at Kathleen when her husband gets into the traditional argument with Tia about political/corporate/unfair America. I had to leave sooner than I wanted because I was exhausted and the long day had set my shoulder to aching, but not before I got to disappear into the hum of a lifetime of inside jokes between a table of people who had years shared, not DNA. Of all of my families, it's interesting that the Thompsons have the most members that are openly adopted; Uncle's oldest friend, an old teacher of Kathleen's, and of course, me.
Everyone asked after Steve. If we were still together, if we were happy, why he wasn't with me. All I could do was shrug, to say he was with his own family today. How do you sum up the awkward side-stepping mess we're mired in? I love someone who doesn't yet love me back and I've decided to put my frustrations on the back-burner and am trying to remain patient while he gets what he needs on his own before coming back to me? That I feel like even when it's so full like today, my heart still hurts a bit for the absence of him? Three weeks since I've seen him. But I'll wait as long as I can.
I'm trying to live the devotion that has been given to me.
Today was Easter. All hail the zombie Jew. But I love this holiday because, like most holidays, I get to see all my families in one hectic, vibrant, stressful day.
It started with meeting up with my aunt and heading to Riverside for brunch with my cousin and his wife and in-laws. They're a really wonderful family, so it was a great visit and I got to bond over the dry chardonnay humor I have with my Aunt ZZ and cousin Dan.
When we got back to her house, my uncle Al was there. It's silly to say I have "favorite" uncles, but man, when my Uncle Mike and Uncle Al are in the same room, I'm happier than a pig in shit. They are so amazing alone, so having them together is like this copulation of wonderful. If I would put one word to them, Mike is an artist and Al is a philosopher. I always try to go by the house to see Al when he visits from Vegas because talking to him is akin to my own soul popping out of my sternum and taking over another body that I can marvel at. He's so intelligent and on the same wavelength as myself that I am tempted when my faith leaves me to hop in a car and drive out to the desert and seek his wisdom.
Second was the Cataldos. We had Easter at grandma Frances's house and all of us "kids" (the youngest being what, 15 or 16? haha) were psyched because we knew that there was going to be an egg hunt later. I love seeing Uncle Frank...he pats my shoulders and tells me I'm the sweetest girl and how I'm his favorite. Grandma Frances asking me how my shoulder feels and when I say much better, her kissing my hand in happiness and me leaning down to kiss hers back for caring so much. Bawdy stories with my adopted cousins at the table, all of us tentacles to this octopus of giving and love that is the body of our family sitting warm and safe inside. My brother Jay likes to say that I killed our cousin Jami's sheltered-life-bubble the first time we really sat down and had a conversation...I was working at the porn shop at the time and the look on her face was completely astounded. I laugh just thinking about it.
The egg hunt is on. My brother and I run around the side of the house in the opposite direction of everyone else, and before we hit the gate Jay and I are sliding and laughing and I body check him so I can get through first. He naturally Italian-ized it later, saying I almost threw him down the hill, yadda yadda. I just love being able to talk to my Italians on the holidays. I called Aunt Jo, well, Aunt Jo, and she smiled big and golden, saying "I love it when you call me that. It makes me feel so loved." How can one person like me be so lucky to be surrounded by so many wonderful people? I leaned against my Ma outside, my head on her shoulder and her rubbing my back and laughing at Ian chasing around his sister Tara and I felt that if this was all I achieved with my life it would be enough.
My final stop of the night was my Thompsons. I got to squeeze my Unkie, kiss my smiling papa bear on the cheek, wink at Kathleen when her husband gets into the traditional argument with Tia about political/corporate/unfair America. I had to leave sooner than I wanted because I was exhausted and the long day had set my shoulder to aching, but not before I got to disappear into the hum of a lifetime of inside jokes between a table of people who had years shared, not DNA. Of all of my families, it's interesting that the Thompsons have the most members that are openly adopted; Uncle's oldest friend, an old teacher of Kathleen's, and of course, me.
Everyone asked after Steve. If we were still together, if we were happy, why he wasn't with me. All I could do was shrug, to say he was with his own family today. How do you sum up the awkward side-stepping mess we're mired in? I love someone who doesn't yet love me back and I've decided to put my frustrations on the back-burner and am trying to remain patient while he gets what he needs on his own before coming back to me? That I feel like even when it's so full like today, my heart still hurts a bit for the absence of him? Three weeks since I've seen him. But I'll wait as long as I can.
I'm trying to live the devotion that has been given to me.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
huh.
It's so funny. I'm quick to accept whatever Steve needs from me: time, space, understanding. I dig. Actually, coming to that conclusion has lifted this obese sadness from me and I feel light again. Because I've thrown my heart like a star at him and frankly, that can be kinda blinding, and stars are crazy mysterious things anyway, and you have to learn a lot about them before you can name them.
I think another big reason is that he doesn't critisize me for not understanding me. He's wonderful.
And the exact opposite of my father, who hardly gets me or tries to, and that lack of instant knowledge or me just saying, "it's okay, you don't have to understand your adult daughter ever in her life," makes me love and resent him all at the same time.
In conclusion, today's arguments and screaming in my household has made me very happy that I am dating someone (or, well, maybe not...I've given my heart to someone..yes, that's better) who is the best of my parents and none of their weird issues, just his one rightful ones.
See Frued? You suck. Neener neener. (Don't roll over in your grave, you'll get stuck at a 180).
I think another big reason is that he doesn't critisize me for not understanding me. He's wonderful.
And the exact opposite of my father, who hardly gets me or tries to, and that lack of instant knowledge or me just saying, "it's okay, you don't have to understand your adult daughter ever in her life," makes me love and resent him all at the same time.
In conclusion, today's arguments and screaming in my household has made me very happy that I am dating someone (or, well, maybe not...I've given my heart to someone..yes, that's better) who is the best of my parents and none of their weird issues, just his one rightful ones.
See Frued? You suck. Neener neener. (Don't roll over in your grave, you'll get stuck at a 180).
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
In-between.
Life is looking up because I have amazing friends who remind me to pull my sorry ass up by the bootstraps, even though they feel frayed and close to breaking. I went to a show in LA last night with two of my music-genius friends and just the ride to and from in the car, playing poignant music and talking about depression, both of which they're familiar with, and relationships and coming through everything scathed but still beautiful made my heart pump a little and feel less broken. Steve and I are in this in-between place. I don't know what we are, and the not-knowing is what is the worst. I'm learning a lot of my weaknesses in this relationship...I have to know where I stand with someone I care about. Definitely. And it's okay that he doesn't feel the same. I genuinely don't expect him to yet. But I need to know if I can turn to him, because he's the first person my heart turns to, and if my arms can't follow I need to know definitively.
I've listened to Florence and the Machine and Modest Mouse all morning. This song, about six times.
It's called Cosmic Love. The lyrics are these:
A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat
I tried to find the sound
But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
I took the stars from our eyes, and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
And my own cathartic poetry is this:
I once met a man who saw in me a young heart full of ungiven love.
He sat and leaned his molasses cheek on a well-creased hand, faded at the edges,
Telling me about his wife whom he loved while she wasted away in his arms
Forgetting his name, their love, a life together started too late for children.
A tear ran down my cheek and he smiled and patted my young, soft, supple hand.
Don’t cry, dear one.
You’ll find the one you’ll love for, because loving is living.
You can’t have one without the other.
When I knew I loved you, I remembered my molasses man
Sighing with scared relief.
If I lost this love, I felt I’d lose the will to live.
When it was denied to me, I was sure my heart would stop beating,
Breaking wide open
Dumping sadness and desperation into my lungs, drowning my organs.
Here we are.
Love denied.
Not dead, not even close.
When I knew I loved you, I remembered my molasses man
Sighing with scared relief,
You won’t be my only love, my only joy.
Here we are.
Love denied.
Not dead, not even close.
I feel better. Thanks for being here for me, friends.
I've listened to Florence and the Machine and Modest Mouse all morning. This song, about six times.
It's called Cosmic Love. The lyrics are these:
A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat
I tried to find the sound
But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
I took the stars from our eyes, and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
And my own cathartic poetry is this:
I once met a man who saw in me a young heart full of ungiven love.
He sat and leaned his molasses cheek on a well-creased hand, faded at the edges,
Telling me about his wife whom he loved while she wasted away in his arms
Forgetting his name, their love, a life together started too late for children.
A tear ran down my cheek and he smiled and patted my young, soft, supple hand.
Don’t cry, dear one.
You’ll find the one you’ll love for, because loving is living.
You can’t have one without the other.
When I knew I loved you, I remembered my molasses man
Sighing with scared relief.
If I lost this love, I felt I’d lose the will to live.
When it was denied to me, I was sure my heart would stop beating,
Breaking wide open
Dumping sadness and desperation into my lungs, drowning my organs.
Here we are.
Love denied.
Not dead, not even close.
When I knew I loved you, I remembered my molasses man
Sighing with scared relief,
You won’t be my only love, my only joy.
Here we are.
Love denied.
Not dead, not even close.
I feel better. Thanks for being here for me, friends.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
If love were shelves.
Things have been really rough lately. I've been laying in bed since Thursday and haven't been able to muster energy to care that I'm depressed.
I got a diagnosis last week that I'm not willing to share on here that is definitely contributing to my sadness. I feel overwhelmed, despondent. Like the hope I am constantly trying to scrounge up like loose change has been blown to the wind again.
To make it worse, things with my boyfriend aren't going wonderfully. We went to Los Angeles last weekend to explore museums and stuff, and we left late because he didn't want to wake up early, so we weren't able to go to all of Exposition Park, just the Science Center. And for some odd reason, he was whining most of the day. As in, childish whining. When I called him on it, he didn't try to dismiss it, either. Just said, yes, I'm in a whining mood. When I haven't seen you for a week? When I'm funding this entire day? When I put my wants on hold and let you sleep in and the only museums on the chopping block were the ones I wanted to see? You can't put your whining urge on the backburner?
It ended on a good note, but it's something that I couldn't shake. There's an unwillingness to compromise or change for both of us that I'm deeply sad to think will be the end of our relationship.
And this weekend, I really needed him. I'll be honest, writing that is hard, because I'm not the type of person that needs anyone easily. And he went to LA with his friends to spend the weekend and go to a Bad Religion concert and Angels game. When I said that I needed him, because I say these things after two days of crying and insomnia and a deep desperation that I've never felt before, he said what could he do? He had plans.
And I wish he had canceled them. Even though it's douchey because he had these plans with a friend and was looking forward to going, I wish that I meant enough that he would have done something. Anything minor.
Basically, something very clear is appearing. We've had the same issues since the beginning...in no way have I ever felt like a priority to my boyfriend. And unfortunately, it's starting to wear me down to a nub. Because I love him and only like to imagine a future that he's involved in. I thought I could wait until he'd be more receptive to hearing me say it. I have to stop it from spilling out of my mouth every time I kiss him goodbye and I figured, maybe at 4 months? Or 6? Some timeline that he wouldn't think was too fast and run away screaming.
But I'm really scared that Steve and I aren't even on anything resembling the same level. I plan him into my long-term and he can't even plan me into his week. I would put aside anything, ANYTHING, if I thought he needed me and he won't even cancel a hotel night stay to a city 50 miles away. If love were shelves, he'd be on the second and I'd be on the third. Nothing perpendicular, always parallel, never meeting.
And that scares me because I don't think I can beat this horse of "priority" talk any more. We've discussed it too many times to count and nothing has shifted, nothing has changed, and I really cannot be in a relationship that doesn't give me the basics of what I need. I don't ask for much. I'm not high maintenance. I need a dinner, once in awhile. Or a damn card that's written on a folded piece of paper, for all I care. Or, heaven forbid, a $5 bouquet. What's so wrong with those things? To want him for once to hold my hand or kiss me first. And yes, I've told him these things.
And nothing.
What can I draw from that except that he doesn't care enough to make an effort?
And while I want him, sincerely, and I can't imagine wanting anyone else, I know that I'm worth the effort.
I got a diagnosis last week that I'm not willing to share on here that is definitely contributing to my sadness. I feel overwhelmed, despondent. Like the hope I am constantly trying to scrounge up like loose change has been blown to the wind again.
To make it worse, things with my boyfriend aren't going wonderfully. We went to Los Angeles last weekend to explore museums and stuff, and we left late because he didn't want to wake up early, so we weren't able to go to all of Exposition Park, just the Science Center. And for some odd reason, he was whining most of the day. As in, childish whining. When I called him on it, he didn't try to dismiss it, either. Just said, yes, I'm in a whining mood. When I haven't seen you for a week? When I'm funding this entire day? When I put my wants on hold and let you sleep in and the only museums on the chopping block were the ones I wanted to see? You can't put your whining urge on the backburner?
It ended on a good note, but it's something that I couldn't shake. There's an unwillingness to compromise or change for both of us that I'm deeply sad to think will be the end of our relationship.
And this weekend, I really needed him. I'll be honest, writing that is hard, because I'm not the type of person that needs anyone easily. And he went to LA with his friends to spend the weekend and go to a Bad Religion concert and Angels game. When I said that I needed him, because I say these things after two days of crying and insomnia and a deep desperation that I've never felt before, he said what could he do? He had plans.
And I wish he had canceled them. Even though it's douchey because he had these plans with a friend and was looking forward to going, I wish that I meant enough that he would have done something. Anything minor.
Basically, something very clear is appearing. We've had the same issues since the beginning...in no way have I ever felt like a priority to my boyfriend. And unfortunately, it's starting to wear me down to a nub. Because I love him and only like to imagine a future that he's involved in. I thought I could wait until he'd be more receptive to hearing me say it. I have to stop it from spilling out of my mouth every time I kiss him goodbye and I figured, maybe at 4 months? Or 6? Some timeline that he wouldn't think was too fast and run away screaming.
But I'm really scared that Steve and I aren't even on anything resembling the same level. I plan him into my long-term and he can't even plan me into his week. I would put aside anything, ANYTHING, if I thought he needed me and he won't even cancel a hotel night stay to a city 50 miles away. If love were shelves, he'd be on the second and I'd be on the third. Nothing perpendicular, always parallel, never meeting.
And that scares me because I don't think I can beat this horse of "priority" talk any more. We've discussed it too many times to count and nothing has shifted, nothing has changed, and I really cannot be in a relationship that doesn't give me the basics of what I need. I don't ask for much. I'm not high maintenance. I need a dinner, once in awhile. Or a damn card that's written on a folded piece of paper, for all I care. Or, heaven forbid, a $5 bouquet. What's so wrong with those things? To want him for once to hold my hand or kiss me first. And yes, I've told him these things.
And nothing.
What can I draw from that except that he doesn't care enough to make an effort?
And while I want him, sincerely, and I can't imagine wanting anyone else, I know that I'm worth the effort.
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