If love were shelves.

Things have been really rough lately. I've been laying in bed since Thursday and haven't been able to muster energy to care that I'm depressed.

I got a diagnosis last week that I'm not willing to share on here that is definitely contributing to my sadness. I feel overwhelmed, despondent. Like the hope I am constantly trying to scrounge up like loose change has been blown to the wind again.

To make it worse, things with my boyfriend aren't going wonderfully. We went to Los Angeles last weekend to explore museums and stuff, and we left late because he didn't want to wake up early, so we weren't able to go to all of Exposition Park, just the Science Center. And for some odd reason, he was whining most of the day. As in, childish whining. When I called him on it, he didn't try to dismiss it, either. Just said, yes, I'm in a whining mood. When I haven't seen you for a week? When I'm funding this entire day? When I put my wants on hold and let you sleep in and the only museums on the chopping block were the ones I wanted to see? You can't put your whining urge on the backburner?

It ended on a good note, but it's something that I couldn't shake. There's an unwillingness to compromise or change for both of us that I'm deeply sad to think will be the end of our relationship.

And this weekend, I really needed him. I'll be honest, writing that is hard, because I'm not the type of person that needs anyone easily. And he went to LA with his friends to spend the weekend and go to a Bad Religion concert and Angels game. When I said that I needed him, because I say these things after two days of crying and insomnia and a deep desperation that I've never felt before, he said what could he do? He had plans.

And I wish he had canceled them. Even though it's douchey because he had these plans with a friend and was looking forward to going, I wish that I meant enough that he would have done something. Anything minor.

Basically, something very clear is appearing. We've had the same issues since the beginning...in no way have I ever felt like a priority to my boyfriend. And unfortunately, it's starting to wear me down to a nub. Because I love him and only like to imagine a future that he's involved in. I thought I could wait until he'd be more receptive to hearing me say it. I have to stop it from spilling out of my mouth every time I kiss him goodbye and I figured, maybe at 4 months? Or 6? Some timeline that he wouldn't think was too fast and run away screaming.

But I'm really scared that Steve and I aren't even on anything resembling the same level. I plan him into my long-term and he can't even plan me into his week. I would put aside anything, ANYTHING, if I thought he needed me and he won't even cancel a hotel night stay to a city 50 miles away. If love were shelves, he'd be on the second and I'd be on the third. Nothing perpendicular, always parallel, never meeting.

And that scares me because I don't think I can beat this horse of "priority" talk any more. We've discussed it too many times to count and nothing has shifted, nothing has changed, and I really cannot be in a relationship that doesn't give me the basics of what I need. I don't ask for much. I'm not high maintenance. I need a dinner, once in awhile. Or a damn card that's written on a folded piece of paper, for all I care. Or, heaven forbid, a $5 bouquet. What's so wrong with those things? To want him for once to hold my hand or kiss me first. And yes, I've told him these things.

And nothing.

What can I draw from that except that he doesn't care enough to make an effort?

And while I want him, sincerely, and I can't imagine wanting anyone else, I know that I'm worth the effort.