First, let me begin my explaining that four days ago I committed to changing my life by altering my health, and got a VSG (vertical sleeve gastrectomy) to help aid in long term weight loss.
I'm in Texas. My first time here. I laid eyes on my sister for the first time in two years, and it was like a pain that I'd learned to deal with instantly began to dull. I've missed her, deeply, and just being in the same house as her again reminds me of my younger years and how I would not be who I am today if it wasn't for her.
It's different, how people change you. While I'm not complaining, I don't feel there was a real choice in my outcome with my parents; if I wanted to be a good person, I would have to deal with them and not leave and become a wastrel like I witnessed so many others do. My sister, however, was my choice: I chose to love her and take care of her and shape her into someone who could be more than what she was reaching for, and it worked. I worked. And by shaping her, I molded the future vision of what I want myself to be. I am so grateful that I have her.
So much thinking in the absence of this stress has led my thoughts to God. I feel drawn to the universe when I'm metamorphosing. All roads are going to lead me to God, and I know that. I feel so comforted and one with that. Having a nice bed or a husband or a garden or a dog do not change my relationship with the complex and interwoven web of energy and consciousness that surrounds me. I'm thankful that I'm getting this dose of reassurance when I need it most.
Adam has met a girl that he feels pretty strongly for. Granted, this is a weekly occurance, but this one is actually responsive back, so I think it might go somewhere. I'm happy, and jealous. I wonder what anyone has over me, which in all honesty, is the ultimate "I'm the best there is!" American mentality that I hate to have. Because I know I'm not. Oh well. I also think that my response to it is based in a fear that he'll abandon our friendship for her, which has happened before. I have foundations for my creepy insecurities! Ha. It's already begun, but such is life, right?
Life goes on, or so it goes.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Where do we begin to get clean again?
I got back from Phoenix two days ago, and it was a mixed blessing.
The pros: I got to see Adam. I'm weaning myself off the rush that the happiness he brings to me ... basically, I'm realizing that just because he makes me deeply happy and I love him an incredible amount doesn't mean we're meant to be together by any stretch of the imagination. We're very different in some of the most important ways, and I know that. I do. I should move to Portland and marry some of the fine specimens of man I see that meander this way from there. Ha.
I got a new tattoo. Nine birds in flight over my foot. I love it, for a lot of reasons. One) watching birds as a kid was one of my favorite things to do. I would sit alone on the roof of my mom's Karmann-Ghia and believe fiercely that I could see the curvature of the earth as I watched the birds descend over it. I miss being close to the sea. Two) There's nine, which is a lucky number in general. Three) Two of my all time favorite songs are Blackbird and Bluebird, by the Beatles and Johnny Lee Hooker, respectively.
And damn, they compliment the shape well. ;)
The downside was how overwhelmed I felt towards the end. I didn't want to come home. I've never been so close to turning my car in the other direction and forgetting this life to start a new one. Finals, this internship, all the projects and papers due. My surgery.
The surgery is, naturally, is the one drop that is throwing off the tension of my maxed-out water glass and making it spill over. I'm scared to be thin. I don't want to be looked at. Being fat is a defense mechanism if I've ever known one. I can say what I want, dress as I want, eat what I want, and people don't say a word. If anything, they avoid looking directly at me, and that suits me just fine. I don't like being the center of attention, despite my zodiac sign (leo).
I just like to fade into the backround. To watch. Make someone laugh occasionally. But just be. I know the root, as sure as I know my own overpaced heartbeat. When I was a kid, I was the focus of everything spiteful my community had to throw at us. My mother was not only a single mom in an upscale suburban neighborhood, but she was a drunk. A loud drunk, who would fight with her black (here is where you gasp) boyfriend until the cops called. We had a damn cop living right across the street and he would be hesitant to let me in to his house to use the phone and call 911! I don't ever want to be looked at again, sometimes.
So this surgery is terrifying because it's bringing with it the upswelling of a childhood fear, as illogical as I know it sounds.
We'll see how it goes.
I have a paper to write. I hope this finds you happy.
The pros: I got to see Adam. I'm weaning myself off the rush that the happiness he brings to me ... basically, I'm realizing that just because he makes me deeply happy and I love him an incredible amount doesn't mean we're meant to be together by any stretch of the imagination. We're very different in some of the most important ways, and I know that. I do. I should move to Portland and marry some of the fine specimens of man I see that meander this way from there. Ha.
I got a new tattoo. Nine birds in flight over my foot. I love it, for a lot of reasons. One) watching birds as a kid was one of my favorite things to do. I would sit alone on the roof of my mom's Karmann-Ghia and believe fiercely that I could see the curvature of the earth as I watched the birds descend over it. I miss being close to the sea. Two) There's nine, which is a lucky number in general. Three) Two of my all time favorite songs are Blackbird and Bluebird, by the Beatles and Johnny Lee Hooker, respectively.
And damn, they compliment the shape well. ;)
The downside was how overwhelmed I felt towards the end. I didn't want to come home. I've never been so close to turning my car in the other direction and forgetting this life to start a new one. Finals, this internship, all the projects and papers due. My surgery.
The surgery is, naturally, is the one drop that is throwing off the tension of my maxed-out water glass and making it spill over. I'm scared to be thin. I don't want to be looked at. Being fat is a defense mechanism if I've ever known one. I can say what I want, dress as I want, eat what I want, and people don't say a word. If anything, they avoid looking directly at me, and that suits me just fine. I don't like being the center of attention, despite my zodiac sign (leo).
I just like to fade into the backround. To watch. Make someone laugh occasionally. But just be. I know the root, as sure as I know my own overpaced heartbeat. When I was a kid, I was the focus of everything spiteful my community had to throw at us. My mother was not only a single mom in an upscale suburban neighborhood, but she was a drunk. A loud drunk, who would fight with her black (here is where you gasp) boyfriend until the cops called. We had a damn cop living right across the street and he would be hesitant to let me in to his house to use the phone and call 911! I don't ever want to be looked at again, sometimes.
So this surgery is terrifying because it's bringing with it the upswelling of a childhood fear, as illogical as I know it sounds.
We'll see how it goes.
I have a paper to write. I hope this finds you happy.
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