Tapestries.

I have ended my friendship with Adam. It was easier then it should have been if we were both happy.

A lot of issues arose from our friendship, and I worry that I'll carry them with me for the long term. He said I mothered him, which is indisputable. I didn't know how to not worry, to not be concerned for his safety. He was homeless most of the time we've been friends; constantly fighting, being pulled over, threatened with jail time. His life was a living version of Murphy's Law, and it seemed like the logical next step was death. So yes, I worried. And I'm sure I mothered.

Oh whatever. I'm happy the stress and anxiety associated with his friendship is over.

Finding the divine, and not so holy thoughts.

First, let me begin my explaining that four days ago I committed to changing my life by altering my health, and got a VSG (vertical sleeve gastrectomy) to help aid in long term weight loss.

I'm in Texas. My first time here. I laid eyes on my sister for the first time in two years, and it was like a pain that I'd learned to deal with instantly began to dull. I've missed her, deeply, and just being in the same house as her again reminds me of my younger years and how I would not be who I am today if it wasn't for her.

It's different, how people change you. While I'm not complaining, I don't feel there was a real choice in my outcome with my parents; if I wanted to be a good person, I would have to deal with them and not leave and become a wastrel like I witnessed so many others do. My sister, however, was my choice: I chose to love her and take care of her and shape her into someone who could be more than what she was reaching for, and it worked. I worked. And by shaping her, I molded the future vision of what I want myself to be. I am so grateful that I have her.

So much thinking in the absence of this stress has led my thoughts to God. I feel drawn to the universe when I'm metamorphosing. All roads are going to lead me to God, and I know that. I feel so comforted and one with that. Having a nice bed or a husband or a garden or a dog do not change my relationship with the complex and interwoven web of energy and consciousness that surrounds me. I'm thankful that I'm getting this dose of reassurance when I need it most.

Adam has met a girl that he feels pretty strongly for. Granted, this is a weekly occurance, but this one is actually responsive back, so I think it might go somewhere. I'm happy, and jealous. I wonder what anyone has over me, which in all honesty, is the ultimate "I'm the best there is!" American mentality that I hate to have. Because I know I'm not. Oh well. I also think that my response to it is based in a fear that he'll abandon our friendship for her, which has happened before. I have foundations for my creepy insecurities! Ha. It's already begun, but such is life, right?

Life goes on, or so it goes.

Where do we begin to get clean again?

I got back from Phoenix two days ago, and it was a mixed blessing.

The pros: I got to see Adam. I'm weaning myself off the rush that the happiness he brings to me ... basically, I'm realizing that just because he makes me deeply happy and I love him an incredible amount doesn't mean we're meant to be together by any stretch of the imagination. We're very different in some of the most important ways, and I know that. I do. I should move to Portland and marry some of the fine specimens of man I see that meander this way from there. Ha.

I got a new tattoo. Nine birds in flight over my foot. I love it, for a lot of reasons. One) watching birds as a kid was one of my favorite things to do. I would sit alone on the roof of my mom's Karmann-Ghia and believe fiercely that I could see the curvature of the earth as I watched the birds descend over it. I miss being close to the sea. Two) There's nine, which is a lucky number in general. Three) Two of my all time favorite songs are Blackbird and Bluebird, by the Beatles and Johnny Lee Hooker, respectively.

And damn, they compliment the shape well. ;)

The downside was how overwhelmed I felt towards the end. I didn't want to come home. I've never been so close to turning my car in the other direction and forgetting this life to start a new one. Finals, this internship, all the projects and papers due. My surgery.

The surgery is, naturally, is the one drop that is throwing off the tension of my maxed-out water glass and making it spill over. I'm scared to be thin. I don't want to be looked at. Being fat is a defense mechanism if I've ever known one. I can say what I want, dress as I want, eat what I want, and people don't say a word. If anything, they avoid looking directly at me, and that suits me just fine. I don't like being the center of attention, despite my zodiac sign (leo).

I just like to fade into the backround. To watch. Make someone laugh occasionally. But just be. I know the root, as sure as I know my own overpaced heartbeat. When I was a kid, I was the focus of everything spiteful my community had to throw at us. My mother was not only a single mom in an upscale suburban neighborhood, but she was a drunk. A loud drunk, who would fight with her black (here is where you gasp) boyfriend until the cops called. We had a damn cop living right across the street and he would be hesitant to let me in to his house to use the phone and call 911! I don't ever want to be looked at again, sometimes.

So this surgery is terrifying because it's bringing with it the upswelling of a childhood fear, as illogical as I know it sounds.

We'll see how it goes.

I have a paper to write. I hope this finds you happy.

adam.

So, it's weird how things synch up to help you (or hurt you, obviously) along.

Adam and I being as close as we are is hard for me sometimes, because I'm trying to keep in mind that I can't ever take it further than this. And often, especially when he's depressed, he talks about how he doesn't feel good enough for anyone. That's hard for me to hear, and reassuring him can be harder, because I end up telling him about how worthwhile he is, and that makes me want him more. Ha. Bittersweet.

But in the last week or so, Adam has been talking to me less. Things are going better with his on again-off again girlfriend, and whenever things are on the up, he tends to pay less attention to me. I'm a little sad by it, but it came at an opportune time. I need to get away from the situation for awhile, and out of my head. This is definitely providing that break.

I'm ending my week thankful. Tonight I'm going to hang out with my friends.. one of which I'm developing a budding interest in. Crushes always help distract me ;)

Logic versus love.

My life is changing. I've never felt closer to the pit of depression that has haunted my mother and friends than I do now, which is weird, since I'm so close to getting the things that I feel are the foundation for my happiness.

I'm a year away from graduating. I have a great internship. I'm going to be getting a much needed surgery. I'll be seeing my sisters soon after two years of not wrapping my arms around them. I'll meet my first nephew. So why am I so panicked? So anxious?

I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I've never been so deeply affected by change that I brought about.

My friend has mentioned before that so many of my nightmares are motivated by having no control or means of defense against people attacking me. I think I've always associated those situations with thin people. Yes, I know that's not accurate, but as a large woman, I feel akin to a fierce rhinoceros that only stupid people would charge. If I'm thin, I might have to physically defend myself. Gah, I'm going to need to take some classes.

If I research things, I feel more prepared for life. Which is silly, because I of all people know that you can't live in your head. Hmm.

I'm lonely too, and I can admit that here, because no one will really be reading this. I still love Aaron, but I love and miss what we were, not what we ended as. I'm scared that I'm falling for Adam. Why do I fall for my friends? It just kills my heart... demolishes support beams like an old Vegas casino falling in love with the dynamite that's going to level it. Adam though, unlike what Aaron led me to believe, could never love me back. So I'm trying hard to stop myself, which could also undoubtedly be contributing to my depression.

As much as it hurts, I love being in love.

I love feeling my heart so wide and open to the world. I fall in love with trees and hills and flowers and scents everyday. I fall in love with smiles and waiters singing and beaten up shoes and beards. With backscratchers and the relief of peeing after you've been holding it for a long time.

This logical self I'm meeting as I grow up is hurting my soul. Even with assured heartbreak at the end, I've still jumped headfirst into giving my mental kisses and caresses to someone.

I'm being smart about it because I'm worried (after Aaron) that I won't be able to come back from it if I go legitimately for the long term love that I gave him. If I loved Adam that way.. the wholehearted way that is partly so passionate because it entertains the hope that you will one day be with that person...I don't know if I could deal with the disappointment of it going unanswered again.

Logic versus love. Isn't that the only question that matters at the end of it all?