DAMNIT.

I hate liking boys, sometimes, especially when it explodes from like to full-blown crush status.

Because, really, I seriously like Cesar. As in, wish we were seriously dating. I have to catch myself from tilting up my face to kiss him when he hugs me goodbye because I'm so emotionally disposed to him.

But there are other guys that I'm interested in and, newsflash, actually interested in me! So here's the conundrum; even though it feels somehow wrong, and almost like cheating, should I go ahead and date these other guys because they're clearly into me, unlike Cesar? Hope for the best with them?

Because I wonder a few things. I make it sooo obvious, but what if Cesar is actually clueless to how I really feel about him and then later realizes it and I've already invested time and effort into a relationship with someone else? Would I ditch them for him? That's not fair to them. Should I even ethically try to get into a relationship with someone else when I'm so focused on him?

FML.

Please give me your opinions. I need advice.

Also, to allay the big question: Why don't I just TELL him? Because we work together, and I see him almost every day. If he flat out rejected me, I'd be burned but okay in a few days, but it's not fair to put him on the spot that way, and he could just pass off my flirting (like he has been) and continue to joke about it because he's not actually into me, and he's rather just keep it as an amicable working environment.

Fuck it, I'm just going to forget about him and move on.

But...BUT...damnit.

Bob Marley.

I had a revelation today, thanks to the wisdom of Bob Marley.

One of his famous quotes was the cause. Everybody's gonna hurt you, you just need to find the ones worth suffering for. The same applies to jobs. Every job sucks...let's be honest. Even when it's a career, no one is thrilled to go work a 9 hour job, come home, clean house, do other chores, pay bills, et cetera. You just tolerate said job better when it's worth suffering for. Unfortunately, the job I'm at ISN'T, and I'd be happy with a career-length lower pay if I could really stand behind what I was doing. Renting cars isn't that for me, thank god. Finances were really important to me when I took this job, and that was my bottom line, but it's started to shift as my moods have begun to change so dramatically. I don't want to be Jekyll/Hyde. I won't be, and especially not because of something I can so proactively change, like employment.

My company is amazing. My bosses are amazing. My co-workers are amazing. I'm just not built for sales.

I came home and swam today, and Corina was here. I've known her since she was in utero, and I love her so much. She's absolutely golden, and wants to watch Matilda with me right now.

I'm going to go do that.

Alive.

I feel like I'm on the verge of something huge. At this job, getting a new job, life... who knows. But I have this quickening of my pulse, this deep adrenaline rush like I'm about to cliff dive into a vast opportunistic sea.

It's so nice to be hopeful again. And I know that a big part of that is having my family being so stable right now, in all of its classic instability. I met my sisters, and they're beautiful and smart and wonderful and knowing them at all has filled a very distinct gap I had that made me doubt the wisdom of the divine. I always understood that I was lucky enough to make new families, partially because mine isn't as functional as some, but I wondered what I had done in a past life to deserve never knowing my super cool siblings. Now I feel that things were just biding their time until it wouldn't just be known, but embraced, and above anything else, I feel embraced by them.

I was floating on a raft in the pool today, looking at the blue blue sky and my magnolia tree and Lucy sprawled on the pavement and I felt at peace. I'm going to a venue opening tonight with my friend Vic, I'll look adoringly at my crushy-poo, and I'll feel as alive as I do right now. It'll carry me into the next week, where I'll continue to thrive at work and in life.

I'm applying to Edison and sending my resume to a lady who works for an environmental design firm in the OC. Doors might be opening for me in places other than Enterprise, but I'm doing so good at where I am that if I need to stay, I can still do well here.

I've lost 170 pounds. I feel pretty amazing. I'm going to aggressively try to get rid of my medical debt and get plastic surgery as soon as my weight has stabilized, so I can look as amazing as I feel.

So happy. So thankful. So alive.

What I want in life.

Having crushes on people has made me think more sincerely on what I want in a relationship. And it's so basic.

Down the street, a band is playing. I love you. Come, let us roam the night together. Singing.

It's one of Langston Hughes' famous lines, and wowza, does it hit me anew every time. The other basic standards that I wish a guy could have, like a job and shiz, drop into the gutter when I entertain that half of my heart.

If I felt that way, I'd let almost all the practical reasons go by the wayside. Give me a poet, or an artist, or someone starving and with a passion. I don't care. Just give me someone worthy of an intense love, and I'll give it wholeheartedly to them.

Maybe it's been too long since I've felt any passion...any reckless abandonment for another person. I need to feel a good crazy for someone, and wouldn't it be amazing if I could stand the sight of them in the morning?