Alive.

I feel like I'm on the verge of something huge. At this job, getting a new job, life... who knows. But I have this quickening of my pulse, this deep adrenaline rush like I'm about to cliff dive into a vast opportunistic sea.

It's so nice to be hopeful again. And I know that a big part of that is having my family being so stable right now, in all of its classic instability. I met my sisters, and they're beautiful and smart and wonderful and knowing them at all has filled a very distinct gap I had that made me doubt the wisdom of the divine. I always understood that I was lucky enough to make new families, partially because mine isn't as functional as some, but I wondered what I had done in a past life to deserve never knowing my super cool siblings. Now I feel that things were just biding their time until it wouldn't just be known, but embraced, and above anything else, I feel embraced by them.

I was floating on a raft in the pool today, looking at the blue blue sky and my magnolia tree and Lucy sprawled on the pavement and I felt at peace. I'm going to a venue opening tonight with my friend Vic, I'll look adoringly at my crushy-poo, and I'll feel as alive as I do right now. It'll carry me into the next week, where I'll continue to thrive at work and in life.

I'm applying to Edison and sending my resume to a lady who works for an environmental design firm in the OC. Doors might be opening for me in places other than Enterprise, but I'm doing so good at where I am that if I need to stay, I can still do well here.

I've lost 170 pounds. I feel pretty amazing. I'm going to aggressively try to get rid of my medical debt and get plastic surgery as soon as my weight has stabilized, so I can look as amazing as I feel.

So happy. So thankful. So alive.