It's very apropo that after I wrote my previous blog, bemoaning the dating life, I quickly met Sam.
We've been together for a few months now. Love is a living, breathing organism that we build between us daily and nourish with understanding, encouragement, and gratitude. I haven't held any punches, have told him every single thing that comes to mind, and he revels in it. His love, unlike the others that have been offered to me, is not conditional, and that's an amazing fucking thing.
"Perhaps the depth of love can be calibrated by the number of different selves that are actively involved in a given relationship." -Carl Sagan
I am basking in him. He's incredibly intelligent, so kind, gentle, and giving. Truly, he exemplifies the best features of humanity as a whole, and I aspire to be more like him. For the first time in my life, I'm not dating a project, someone who "wants to be a better man" for me, or who I'm playing at Jiminy Cricket to keep on the straight and narrow. Nope, not even a little bit, not even at all. He's his own self, and I feel deeply lucky that I get to experience any length of life with him as my partner, let alone the rest of it.
I've been dealing with migraines ever since the surgery. Initially they started a month after surgery, then I doubled up on my HRT and they went away, only to come back about six weeks later. I've since changed hormones, so hopefully they'll even out, but I'm still fighting headaches. I was also in a car accident over a week ago, and I noticed after a few days that the pain in my shins was getting worse. I went to urgent care (because that's where the xrays are!) and turns out I have some hairline fractures in my tibia, hence causing me pain. The doctor told me to stretch, massage, and stay off my feet...Sam, wonderful as he is, added my shins/ankles/calves to the list (along with my neck and shoulders) to what he massages without complaint to try and ease my pain.
Note: isn't it interesting how after a bad relationship ends, when you start something new, all of the small things that drove you quietly into sadness previously are the things that mean the most now? For example, Liam would massage ANY of his friends that came by...cracking their backs and giving them long back rubs...but when I threw out my back and could barely move my shoulders/neck, he wouldn't rub them without complaining and trying to wheedle out of it the entire ten minutes he did it. Without the guilt and shitty way I felt in response to his attitude about it, I wouldn't so hugely appreciate the small gestures that Sam makes without me ever having to ask. He'll look at me while we're driving, see my eyes wince or some other tell that conveys a headache, and he instinctively reaches up to knead my neck and kiss my forehead. It's heavenly, and so deeply appreciated.
Integrating the other into our life plan wasn't difficult, and neither one feels like we're losing anything to build something new. There's no puppeteer with us. No secret financial source that dictates behaviors, no deception, no malice, no guile. I feel safe, really safe with Sam, and that is something that I've never had the privilege of feeling with someone. I hope to never lose it, and will work actively to maintain it.
"For small creatures such as we, the vastness is bearable only through love." -Carl Sagan.
Thank you for loving me, Sam. I love you.
