Be yourself, and be thankful.

It's Thanksgiving. I'm sure that blogs about being thankful are going to be springing up everywhere on the interwebs, but I have to say, (and NO, please don't interpret this as me being pretentious or whatnot): the feelings of gratitude I have today are not different from what I feel on every aware day.

By aware day, I mean the times that I can pull my head out of the daily craze and haze and pay attention to what I have and be utterly gratuitous for it. The days it's just me and divinity and the love I have for it all. Which are more occuring more frequently, I'm happy to say. I don't know what the difference is...age, settling into my own skin? Whatever the cause, being thankful is a frequent thing for me now.

My cousin Tam got engaged last night to a really good guy. I've liked him for her since he came to meet the whole family like a champ, and last night he proposed to her. They're this wonderful couple; artistic, supportive of each other, plugged in to God, morality, and ethics. As I've grown older and so have the members of my family, I've noticed that I have an intense pride about who we all are. We're nothing phenomenal in terms of degrees or accomplishments or wages, but those don't define the greatness of people anyway, do they? We're such good people. The aspects of us as unit that marred my earlier memories (the pettiness, resentment, et cetera) has faded now, and we're wonderful. I love seeing them, and talking to them, and hearing about their lives.

All of my families are such blessings. I look at my life and more often than not, marvel. I was listening to that "Eat, Pray, Love" trailer and when Julia Roberts says "I want to go somewhere I can marvel", it made me think about how lucky I am that I can do that any time I focus on what I have and not on what isn't going my way.

Another thing I read today that made me happy was from my friend's blog. Friend? Hm. Ex-lover, really. We never talked much before or after our interlude, but I was a notable threshold before he left on this epic life journey, and we've been keeping in contact since. Anyway, he's lost a lot of weight since he left, and he was so full of self-loathing when I knew him that this new shedding is completely redefining how he sees himself. I naturally look at myself when I read his deep, introspective thoughts about how he's changing and I wonder: why don't I think those things? Or even along those lines? And then it hit me.

I never hated myself. Never really loathed me. I got surgery to help with my pain and my health, not because I hated being big. Now that I've lost weight, I can't imagine going back to the size I was and I monitor it closely, but I don't think so much on weight-loss like him and other friends I know because I wasn't disgusted with myself beforehand. That's nice to know. Another inherent gift to be thankful for.

Those are enough early morning ramblings for one day. I hope you have a great holiday with your family, reader.

Love,
Erin

mirror, mirror.

I'm housesitting for my aunt and she has this massive mirror that faces the hallway.

As the dogs were eating their dinner I stood and stared into my own eyes for the first time in a long while. I looked at the hallway that saw my worst years. The worn bronze doorknob that was gripped in anger and frustration by hands covered in tears. The bathroom I hated my teenaged self in. I looked at my eyes again. At my newly formed face. The scars on my skin. My chestnut eyes, and long eyelashes, and wild hair.

And I was content. With my history, how I've developed as a person, who I used to be and who I am now and who I'm on the path to being.

My boss asked me about what my thoughts on heaven and hell were today. I told him that frankly, the Universe and I have a personal relationship that I don't feel the need or urge to discuss with him or anyone. When I look at myself, I see my link to God in my eyes as clear as my pupils. I wear my soul on my sleeve.

And I am content.

No boundaries.

I didn't realize that my post last night was so positive and optimistic, but it was, which means so much to me; being inadvertently encouraging rather than this deliberate "LIFE IS GREAT!" yadda yadda is freakin' sweet.

I'm having another one of those days where it was kinda ugh and became whoa. My physical therapy this morning was excruciating. I had a new physical therapist and he did these exercises to "loosen" my arm, and accidentally pushed it (and me) beyond my pain limit. Crying ensued, and it takes a lot for me to cry from pain. He is adding his voice to my other physical therapist in my file: they both firmly believe I have a torn rotator cuff and that my ortho needs to order an MRI. That's Tuesday's mission. Consequent of this visit, I was in an extreme amount of pain all day; it was probably worse than when I originally injured it. And so I was frustrated and bitter because I want Tuesday to be here and I want to carve candles and be able to drill a bottlecap if I need to and help my brother sand my Falcon and reupholster my seats and help make my door panels and I can't do ANY OF THAT without my left arm. Grr.

I was texting Cesar, like I do most days when things slow a little at work, and he was saying how I should come hang with him for lunch, but I told him I couldn't drive. It was an "oh, that sucks" response, which peeved me, and then, to my surprise, he showed up. With perfect timing. To hug me and tell me I looked pretty and ask about physical therapy and the doctor and what I'd do. Then he bought me a chai, haha. Win.

After work I headed over and picked up Viktor and we went back to my Italians' house to eat dinner with the fam. My brother is amazing. He's working so hard on my car for no other reason than it's mine, and he loves me, and wants me to have something awesome that we can both have bragging rights over. I just love him so much sometimes it feels like I must glow with it, and I would do absolutely anything for him. We had a random adventure looking for a wire for the carb with Estefan joining us for our non-debaucherous wandering, and we saw my Ecuadorian Joe which always makes me happy, and Vik took care of me like he always does. How can I be so lucky? So blessed?

I'm surrounded by beautiful and amazing and wonderful. You are the company you keep.

When I'm so full of love like this, I feel like there are no boundaries between me and God, no boundaries between me and everything and everyone and I could weep for the joy of it.

Have a great weekend <3

Can't get over the good.

So, I've been hesitating on writing because my life has been craptastic. Within a day, life and plan and things in general deteriorated, and of course it just snowballed. Car exploded, missed my friend's going away party, hurt my arm, got rear ended in traffic en route to ER, et cetera et cetera. Things since have, predictably, been stressful, but it hasn't been that bad.

Oh yeah, I'm single again. Josh, good guy that he is, only lasted two weeks. Annnnd another one bites the dust.

So, yeah. Single, facing financial crap shoot, in a butt-ton of pain, and yet, I still don't feel like everything is as bad as it seems. Maybe it's the darvacet. But that's besides the point. While mildly depressed, I was definitely not in a full on bummer. Just a mild case of the fuuuuucks.

Let me tell you what's been making me so happy.

1.) I've had a lot of customers that have been super sweet lately. Always a perk. And them remembering my name and silly facts about me as much as I remember those same silly nothings about them makes me feel like more of a human and less of a droid. Perk.

2.) I have amazing friends. It's hard to be depressed when I know that if I needed anything, I could reach out to them. Granted, I haven't done much of that lately, but it's not because I don't love you. It's because just the thought of you sustains me.

3.) My heart beats faster every day for ever-shifting reasons. I get a special hug, or kiss the soft jaw underside of someone I adore, or remember a nice gesture my brother made, or whatever. Adam will tell me he misses his Erin and where the hell am I? My dad will tell me he loves me four times before I leave the room. My boss will put a blooming gardenia on my desk because he's awesome, or because I love them, or because he knows the story of my parents...it doesn't matter which.

There is so much beauty in this life. The bad, even when it coalesces into one big shit ball that explodes on the windshield of your big life road trip and makes you smell, really doesn't effect anything it all. You just wipe it away and continue the drive.

Love you,
Erin