North star.

I saw my doctor today and I'm cleared to go back to work tomorrow. I'm so happy and relieved; when I went out for surgery I was about to test to be promoted, and to do that I need to get back and into the swing of things.

I'm feeling very conflicted. I'm thrilled about the love I have for my friends and family and how it's reciprocated, the growth opportunities at work, the financial progress I'm making, possibly getting into grad school and buying my first house in about a year, all that good stuff.

But then I'm hit with this massive confusion and sadness when I think about my relationship with Steve. I haven't seen him in three weeks, and he doesn't want to see me. Last night, some light was shone on why: apparently, when I was upset that he was whiny for no reason when we went to LA for a day makes him assume I'm always going to think he's a bitchy baby if he's not in a great mood when we hang out. Which isn't true. We always see each other after work and are pretty bleh with each other, and that's kinda what bonded us; we could bitch to each other and find humor in the technique, laugh about it and move on. I was just upset that ONE TIME because he was bitchy for no reason he was willing to share, and if you're just in a crappy mood, yes, I think you should try and put it aside when you're with your significant other in a big day they planned. Am I so wrong? And now that one mistake, that one piece of honesty and miscommunication is what is costing me seeing or hugging my boyfriend.

Is it supposed to be this hard? Am I too invested in something that is one-sided?

I hate being confused. I don't have regrets about anything so far because I love him, and when I love someone I stay as devoted as I can without losing myself.

My sister asked me what's kind of man wouldn't love me. Ma asked the same thing when I told her. All I can do is shrug. I'm following my gut, which tells me that Steve would not want to continue being in a relationship with me after I told him how I feel if he didn't think he might reciprocate someday. He's not so cruel that he would string me along if he seriously thought he wouldn't.

I've made so many innocuous decisions with him that have backfired, though, that I don't know what's the right path to go on. I've never felt so off-kilter, so clueless as the right route to take.

My north star has moved, and I have yet to find it.