In-between.

Life is looking up because I have amazing friends who remind me to pull my sorry ass up by the bootstraps, even though they feel frayed and close to breaking. I went to a show in LA last night with two of my music-genius friends and just the ride to and from in the car, playing poignant music and talking about depression, both of which they're familiar with, and relationships and coming through everything scathed but still beautiful made my heart pump a little and feel less broken. Steve and I are in this in-between place. I don't know what we are, and the not-knowing is what is the worst. I'm learning a lot of my weaknesses in this relationship...I have to know where I stand with someone I care about. Definitely. And it's okay that he doesn't feel the same. I genuinely don't expect him to yet. But I need to know if I can turn to him, because he's the first person my heart turns to, and if my arms can't follow I need to know definitively.

I've listened to Florence and the Machine and Modest Mouse all morning. This song, about six times.



It's called Cosmic Love. The lyrics are these:

A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat
I tried to find the sound
But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

I took the stars from our eyes, and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

And my own cathartic poetry is this:

I once met a man who saw in me a young heart full of ungiven love.
He sat and leaned his molasses cheek on a well-creased hand, faded at the edges,
Telling me about his wife whom he loved while she wasted away in his arms
Forgetting his name, their love, a life together started too late for children.
A tear ran down my cheek and he smiled and patted my young, soft, supple hand.
Don’t cry, dear one.
You’ll find the one you’ll love for, because loving is living.
You can’t have one without the other.
When I knew I loved you, I remembered my molasses man
Sighing with scared relief.
If I lost this love, I felt I’d lose the will to live.
When it was denied to me, I was sure my heart would stop beating,
Breaking wide open
Dumping sadness and desperation into my lungs, drowning my organs.
Here we are.
Love denied.
Not dead, not even close.
When I knew I loved you, I remembered my molasses man
Sighing with scared relief,
You won’t be my only love, my only joy.
Here we are.
Love denied.
Not dead, not even close.

I feel better. Thanks for being here for me, friends.