I really hate that I'm that girl now. You know the one. After a long day's work and when there are plenty of other stresses weighing on me, I can only think that I love someone who doesn't love me back. That I want to reach out in the night to seek comfort from someone I care so deeply about and have them feel the same, and be unable to.
I am trying to be understanding. To be someone who is worth loving. And not because I just AM. That seems to be a common undercurrent, at least with my many friends with their multiple relationships (and sometimes marriages) under their belts...that they expected their partner to love and accept them 100% for who they naturally are, no effort exuded, and that the mutual apathy is what tore them apart.
All of the ones I know of working..my italian parents, my papa bear and ma, my foster parents, are all relationships of sacrifice. Ones that weren't forged in easy times or places, but had to be worked at from the get.
And no, I'm not saying that if you're in one of those blissfully rare relationships that are easy from the word go means that you're not going to last. You're just rare. And probably in for a lot of craziness in the long haul that runs a higher risk of tearing you apart because you haven't had to sacrifice for each other until then.
So I wonder, always, if I'm making the right decision. If staying with someone who doesn't love me back is what I should be doing. I'm not obsessed with missing my opportunity with "someone better" or any of those cliches we comfort our dumped girlfriends with. I just don't know if I'm setting myself up for a fall that I won't want to recover from. How long can I stay in something like this without my self-worth fading like a firework after it's reached it's peak?
It's Steve's self worth that is keeping a wall between us, and it's mine that's on the line.
I'm scared and unsure, a combination of things I rarely ever feel for more than a few moments.
Writing it all out makes me feel better. Keep calm and carry on, right?
If you are feeling unwanted/unloved and you continue this for a year or two and then something happens so that you break up... how mad would you be at yourself? How much more hurt would you then put on yourself because of a choice you didn't make. Just something to think about. And if you've already discussed this with him, the fact that you aren't feeling the right amount of love from him, and if it's truly all he can show, then maybe you're not compatible in that way. If he does love you but you aren't feeling it, it's not fair to you. IMO.
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