I've lost my footing. It's been too long since I've seen Polaris and known my way.
Where am I going? What am I doing? There's nothing after June, until the possibility of Florida.
A year. Of nothing. I've never had a year of nothing, and it's terrifying.
I don't want to go into the menial, underpaid workforce and scrape by at (if I'm lucky) $10 an hour. I'd probably work two jobs, moonlighting at a smut shop or gas station.
I'd always be tired, and perpetually unhappy. 7 years of school...years and years of sacrifice, lack of sleep, 70 hour weeks and endless budgets, to end up with 20K in school loan debt and no immediate way to start alleviating it.
Just thinking about it makes me shut down. Become apathetic. Part of what always keeps me going is knowing that there's something more to do, someone I need to be there for, but the concept of having so much on my shoulders and not really doing something productive to relieve it is mind numbing.
I need to find something and go for it, aggressively. Even if it is only for 12 months.
I don't want to be apathetic. I want to have hope for a bright future, even if it's unrealistic.
Guh, if I didn't have a fuckin' flake of a roommate, I could be getting a tattoo soon, and I know that would make me feel better. Getting something permanent grounds me, spiritually, and when I'm adrift like I am now, I'm in need of an anchor.
An anchor that allows my heart to fly. Funny how that's usually how it works, isn't it?
I just wrote a comment, and when I tried to post it, it got erased. Damn! That pisses me off!
ReplyDeleteI will recover...
Let me see if I can remember what I said, and say it again:
ReplyDeleteI think your perspective all wrong. I think that what you are viewing as a year of "nothing" is, in reality, a blank slate that you get to write whatever you want on. That, my friend, is a gift.
I will also suggest another thing (lame though you may find it). When a friend of mine is coming over for coffee and conversation at, say, 3pm, and it is only 9am, my initial reaction may be to feel as if I have all that time to "kill" before I can get to what I really enjoy. But what I've found is that, because I have something to look forward to, I can be super productive in the intervening time, because I'm in such a good mood about what is to come. Likewise, with your possible move to Florida, you can see that as the thing you have to look forward to, and it will give you the energy and inspiration to be uber productive in the meantime. No reason to be gloomy about the year in between...you have no idea what wondrous things it may hold for you. And if it IS pure drudgery--oh well; it's just a stepping stone to bigger and better things. Fashion that stepping stone any way you want it.