Trying to apply logical thought to something as illogical as emotion is humanity's biggest downfall as a whole, I think.
For serious.
Because I am one of those people right now. I am a full-on, flat-out, 100% fucking retard when it come to reading the book of love. And I HATE it. I loathe not understanding shit, not getting why people do what they do, why certain men will kiss me and others want to be in relationships with me and some just want to fuck me and WHY.
I feel like part of this links back to my weight loss, and how I predicted this would happen. I knew when I considered doing surgery that when I was thinner more guys would be interested in me and I'd question their intentions more than the normal woman. I always sypathized with my beautiful cousins because men would pursue them and they'd never know said man's intentions. Now I'm in a similar boat.
I hate my love life. If it were a boat still floating, I would capsize it. We were dead before the ship even sank.
I have friends and coworkers that have feelings for me, and I reciprocate them in two of those cases. One, you, dear blog-reader, already know of, and since a few weeks ago, another gentleman has been on the case.
But he's moving to Frisco, and am I cut out for long distance? And really, no one has talked about us being serious, anyway. Like I said, this not-knowing. This uncertainty, this second guessing.
And Cesar is...Cesar. I feel like he'll be Mr. Perpetually Unattainable.
Can I just quit my love life and start over? With something simple and uncomplicated?
No. Of course not. This is my life, remember?
Sorry for the angst. NO, fuck it, I'm sick of being sorry. I'm allowed to be bitter about my own stupidity on my own damn blog.
Ah, my dear girl, I have so many reactions to this! However...I am not at all certain how to articulate a single one of them--probably because some recent reflections on my own part have muddled the picture. I will say a couple of things, though: aren't we all retards when it comes to love? A lot of times people are hard to read because they INTEND it--word to the wise. Puts the other party in a very sucky position...but there you have it. So don't be too hard on yourself for said retardation; we all experience it and sometimes it's not because we're fooling ourselves, but because someone else is fooling us. What I would LIKE to say--and am unable to articulate--is that what we must become good at is understanding OURSELVES, and what we truly want. I believe the rest flows from there. The other thing I wanted to say is: I totally laughed out loud upon reading your last line: "I'm allowed to be bitter about my own stupidity on my own damn blog." Hell yes you are!
ReplyDeleteI believe Ms. Justice there said it right... we're all love-tarded, in one way or another. But you really do need to just figure out what YOU want, and let no sweet-talking pretty-man distract you from that. I think I know the kind of guys you are drawn to now... the deep, artistic, vulnerable, dreamy type, with whom you have that WHAMBAM chemistry, and who can share long conversations with you and be your best friend.... which is GOOD, but it seems like a lot of those guys are so self-involved and borderline neurotic that they aren't capable of committing to a relationship or loving you the way you need. People who exist for the here-and-now, living every moment to the fullest, are sexy as hell and fun to be with... but you can't build a future on that. You've always had to be overly responsible and are used to not having anyone to rely on but yourself, but don't carry that mentality into a relationship. You DESERVE to have someone you can depend on, who is stable and will weather the storms with you, and who can lighten your load instead of constantly stressing you out about the state of your relationship.
ReplyDeleteAnd while I'm writing a novel here, let me suggest (from experience, as you know) that long distance relationships are NOT the way to go when you're just starting out a relationship. It's extremely hard for a relationship to deepen and grow when you're not occupying the same space. You're just in a holding pattern the whole time. Kunle and I did it and it sucked, but we got through because we had a two-year foundation to back us up, there was an end to the separation in site, and we both had the same end-goal. If any one of those elements was missing, it wouldn't have worked out.
I love you! I hope this makes up for me not responding to your last couple blogs :) Maybe I'll see you this week?